"I know, I know." Max covers his face with his hands. He doesn't want to do that either. BUT!
"Jackie gave me an assignment. I'm supposed to...journal about every sexual encounter I have. You know, write down what I did and what I liked or didn't like. And he wants me to report back to him with it in two months."
Two whole months... god only knows what they could potentially get up to in that time.
"Wait, what!?" On the one hand the card thing isn't really a terrible idea, but this? "You...he...what the fuck, Jackie."
Seriously.
For a long moment Lucas just turns the card over his hands a few times. Two months is damn long time. He wants to learn all these new things with Max, together. It's not like they won't spend time together outside of a bed, but that's a part of what they have now. Lucas doesn't want to lose that, too.
So if Jackie has to read this later, he'll just have to deal with knowing that.
"I don't mind if you write about us." He looks aside to Max, making sure to catch the man's gaze.
Max is holding his breath, waiting for Lucas to tell him what he expects to hear...that they can't be together if it's like that. He's so shocked his jaw drops open.
"You... you don't?" No. That can't be right. Lucas has to be... "Because I mind. I mind a lot. I don't want you to..." He huffs out a breath.
"Look, Rowan isn't happy about it either. They are going to talk to Jackie, so maybe he'll... relax it a little. So, we could just hold off for a little while..." As much as the idea kills him.
"I do mind," Lucas shrugs, "But whatever you want to do is what I'm going to go with."
Max seems set on this path, though. Lucas shuts his mouth, jaw clenching. If it's the only way to be with Max then he wants to, even with the damn journal. But he's not going to push, because he's already fucked this up enough.
"Yeah, we could do that." The smile never reaches his eyes. "Maybe I can teach you how to make lebkuchen?"
"No. If you mind then... we're not doing it. That's how... that's how this all started." Because Max said those same things. He said he'd go along with things he'd mind, and that was wrong. That's the lesson, right?
Lucas' smile with no eyes pierces his heart. He can see what pain he's caused. But, he can't see the way out.
He takes the Medium's hand. "Lucas, I want to be with you. I want to share everything with you. But, if I'm going to become a person who can give you everything, I need to figure this out... I need some time." He squeezes in a way he hopes is reassuring.
Then he asks, in the lightest tone he can manage, "What are...lebkuchen?"
He minds because it's Jackie, but somehow Lucas manages to keep his mouth shut on that one. Whatever the hell is going on he has to trust Max to tell him, in time.
Hopefully.
"I don't mean to make this harder on you," He says instead, letting the moment pass him by, but squeezing with every ounce of sincerity he can into his hold around Max. It's just as plain to him that he's causing the man to hurt, too. "You know where to find me, if you need anything."
Taking a breath, he soldiers on. "It's like fluffy gingerbread. Might be fun to bake together sometime soon?"
"I know. I do, and I will." He squeezes back, almost until it hurts. "I'll try not to take too long. I'm sorry..."
With a sigh, he lets the rest of that conversation drop. He can't... he can't just make it all better. No matter how much he wants to. But, that doesn't mean he wants Lucas to leave him alone completely. So, he latches on to the lebkuchen as a means to keep Lucas there.
"There's nothing I'd love more than to bake something with you right now. You say they're like gingerbread? That's... just in time for the season, isn't it?"
"No, no sorry," Lucas shakes his head. It doesn't matter that Max's grip is almost painful, he's not letting go. "You know where to find me, but...I'll drop by, too. If that's okay."
Give Max time to figure this out, or at least part of it. But, like Rowan said, not enough that Max gets lost in his own emotions.
"Yeah," He manages a smile, "It's kind of a winter treat from Germany. And, I'd love to bake it with you. Mom makes them for me so---" His voice cracks a little. "Sometimes."
"I will, I promise. You'll want me to go away by the end of this," Lucas manages to grin despite feeling like his chest is cracking in two.
If nothing else, he considers Max one of his closest friends here. He's not losing that, too.
"I wish I could show you, I'm thinking about asking my Patron about it actually. Share memories. But," His smile grows fond, "She's all of five foot two, but still tall enough to bend my ear when I'm being stupid." That gets a small laugh, "She'd love you. She cooks but I think she'd like to have someone better than me to boss around."
"I promise you, I'll never want that," he murmurs.
Max's smile is genuine but slightly melancholy. He never had a mom to cook with. Or do anything with. She left before he was old enough to remember her. But, oh! To meet Lucas' mother --wouldn't that be something?
"You can do that too? Show your memories to other people?" He sounds enchanted by the idea. Lucas really could show Max his mother?
"I'd... I'd really love if I could meet her. Or, maybe even just feel like I've met her. If you had that power back could you..." his breath catches in his lungs suddenly. "...Could you show me old memories of my dad... or sister?"
Lucas can only smile at Max's quiet comment. At least they still have this, but now he wishes he could really show Max his Mom. He misses her so much, even if he's properly moved out and on his own back home, there's nothing like picking up the phone for some Mom advice.
"Well, I can't do it yet, but the more I experience, the older I get, the more these abilities sort of expand out. So I could learn it there some day, but why not try here?" Now his face lifts, latching onto the idea even more. "I want you to meet her, even if it's just from here."
And he taps his head, before his expression fully lights up, "Yeah! I can show you those memories again, and...I could see them too. I'd really like that!"
"I think it would be wonderful if you learned that."
Wow, a Medium is always learning and expanding? Just imagine the kind of force Lucas could be to reckon with in ten more years -- even five more years?
"You would?" He brightens. "Is that... something you can do right now?"
"I could see them," Some of the excitement dims a little, "But I couldn't share it back with you. Not yet."
Now the flicker of the idea he started with Edgar is a full-fledged flame, burning with the desire of helping those he cares for. If it helps, even for a few minutes, to relive those precious memories, it's worth asking his Patron for.
"But I will." A promise. "But if you want...I can do a reading now, and tell you? Or we can wait. I'm okay, either way."
"Can you... tell me how it works? I'd love for you to have a memory of mine that isn't..." the worst night of his life, "you know, so terrible. But, I'd also like to understand what you do, or... how it should work. When it goes right."
Lucas nods his head a few times. "Well, there's two types, really. Places and objects have memories, usually points of time of emotional turmoil, but everything leaves some kind of impression. For those, when I'm looking back, it's kind of like rewinding a VHS tape? I can jump back but it helps when I have a general idea of when I'm looking for...and I'm just there watching, like a movie playing out around me."
He takes a breath, thinking along the same lines as Max. Having that painful memory helps him understand the man better, so for that reason alone he's not sorry for it. Only the circumstances around finding out.
"For people, if you want me to try and find something specific, it's easier if you picture your Dad or your sister. Everything else slips me by when I have a narrower target," A sigh, "By accident, it's no wonder I picked up on...that. Traumatic events are what this ability is used for the best. It helps me for the cold cases I handle, for example."
"Wow," Max says awed by that. Imagine, actually seeing the past happening all around you?
That second method however. "You readings of people sounds... intense. So, when you do this for your job you have to watch stuff like... that... a lot?" Is it always traumatic things? How can Lucas stand it?
"When you do it on people is it like watching a movie still?"
"Yeah," His reply is quiet, gaze drifting to an indistinct spot on the floor. "Normally, it's..."
Lucas breathes out a long sigh, shoulders sagging. "I see it like you would see it, like I was you. Most of the time," His voice quiets. "It's their last moments."
For a brief moment eyes close, before they open, trained on Max. "If it can bring closure, I'll do it a thousand times over."
Max's breath catches in his chest. Lucas' didn't just see his worst moment? He...lived it. And he does that for people's deaths. All the time?
Max can't think of anything to say, so he wraps Lucas up in his arms instead, and holds him to tight.
Then, finally, the words do come. "You are the most selfless goddamn person I've ever met. People all like to say they'd die for someone, but you really do it. Over and over again, don't you?"
As Max wraps around him Lucas finds it's suddenly hard to breathe, and worms his arms around Max in kind. For him, it's just a simple fact of life. This is the way it worked and he had the training to handle it, but the way Max holds him brings a familiar ache to his chest.
"It's my job," Lucas insists quietly. Selfless? He doesn't give it much thought and buries his face briefly into Max's chest. "It's nothing special, what else am I supposed to do with it? Taking up a boring old desk job?"
"You say it's a job like that's supposed to make me any less impressed?" Max puts a hand on Lucas' head, stroking his hair softly.
"As if it isn't a miracle that a man like you was born who can both do the job and sit there humbly saying 'what else was I supposed to do?' If you don't see how special that is then...I don't know what to tell you."
The real heroes, as far as Max has ever been concerned, are the ones who never think of themselves as one.
"You're the rarest type of man there is," he says, kissing Lucas' on his crown. "That's why I want you to stay around." Even if they can't be intimate at the moment, he never wants to lose this connection with Lucas. That, too, is something rare and special.
"I'm not," But any further protest dies on his lips as Max kisses his head. He wasn't special, or different. Wasn't his whole life spent trying to craft a facade of normalacy? It usually worked, sometimes too well.
Until he met Max.
"Dude, I'm not going anywhere," He clings just a little tighter. "There's nothing short of telling me to take a hike that will change that, okay? No matter what."
"You are," he whispers, holding Lucas tight to him. "But I don't mean because of your gift."
I love you.
The thought swirls in his mind. He should say it. But now isn't the time. Not when he's just told Lucas he won't be with him. That he can't for a while. This isn't the moment but...Now Max knows it's really true.
"No matter what," Max echoes.
He presses his lips to Lucas' head and leaves them there. speaking fondly against the man's hair.
"There is a memory I'd like you to have. Something I'd like you to know. Tell me when you're ready to see it?"
For a few moments Lucas simply holds tight, soaking in Max's heat, soaking the feel of the man around in down to the very last detail. He smiles as Max agrees with him. The trembling of his soul quelled at last.
They could get through this together, in time.
Truth be told Lucas is content to stay this way for a while longer, until Max speaks again. He smiles against the man's chest, nodding.
"Okay." Max thinks back to the memory he wants, the very last happy birthday he ever had. It was just five days before that disastrous party, and yet the emotions surrounding it couldn't be more different. He was so, so happy.
[Happy birthday to you~" His dad and sister's singing is about as pleasant as a cat's yowling to listen too, but it still puts a big smile on his face.
"Now, I know it's not going to impress mister big-time chef-to-be over here," his dad is saying as he lowered a frosted hunk that's supposed to be a cake down in front of Max. "But, just imagine this is how your decorating would turn out after a whole night of drinking, huh?"
The blue buttermilk icing is unevenly distributed over the cake top, with writing on top of that in royal blue that reads 'Happy 21st Birthday Jonah!' There are plastic beer bottle stuck all over the cake and, at the top, a set of plastic costume glasses shaped like beer mugs. He can see himself in the weird yellow reflection. He has a smile so wide it's threatening to leap off his round face.
"Aaaaand," his dad is saying proudly, "we can't forget to light the candles. But, oh no! I forgot my lighter. I guess we'll just have to use this instead."
His dad reaches under the table and comes back up with a butane kitchen torch, a top-of-the-line one, just like the kind he'd seen in that chef magazine.
"Oh my god! You didn't?" His hands clap together with excitement.
"Why don't you do the honors, Jo?" His dad hands over the torch.
"Just don't burn the whole house down," his sister Jennifer teases. She makes a big show of stepping back from him and the flame.
He fires up the torch and sits there admiring it for a moment, in awe of such a wonderful gift. Then he turns it to the candles and lights them up, accidentally melting half of them away in the process. "Oops."
"Guess that's why you still need to be in school," his father jokes. "Go ahead, blow them out and make a wish."
"I don't know what else I have to wish for," he says, hovering over the candles. Maybe snow for Christmas, he thinks. Then he blows them all out, to the applause of his sister and dad.
"Okay," his dad says, clapping him on the shoulder. "Now that you've made it all the way to manhood, it's time for you to have that first drink with me. I save this for only the most special of occasions."
His dad fills two shot glasses with a strange clear alcohol that has little golden flakes in it. Then offers one to his son to take.
"Can I have some too?" Jennifer asks. The blond eyes those glasses with jealousy. But dad shakes his head.
"Awww," she pouts.
They lift their now full shot glasses. His dad makes a toast. "No matter how far life will carry you, be it here or maybe all the way to Paris, I want you to remember one thing: I could never be more proud of you, son. Happy birthday."
He drinks and instantly sputters at the sting of the alcohol, stronger than anything he's ever tasted. He uses that as the excuse for why his eyes are suddenly watering so much. Just the alcohol. Definitely. He's not crying...]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
maximumcake) wrote2020-05-20 07:56 pm
no subject
"Jackie gave me an assignment. I'm supposed to...journal about every sexual encounter I have. You know, write down what I did and what I liked or didn't like. And he wants me to report back to him with it in two months."
Two whole months... god only knows what they could potentially get up to in that time.
"So, you see my problem!"
no subject
Seriously.
For a long moment Lucas just turns the card over his hands a few times. Two months is damn long time. He wants to learn all these new things with Max, together. It's not like they won't spend time together outside of a bed, but that's a part of what they have now. Lucas doesn't want to lose that, too.
So if Jackie has to read this later, he'll just have to deal with knowing that.
"I don't mind if you write about us." He looks aside to Max, making sure to catch the man's gaze.
no subject
"You... you don't?" No. That can't be right. Lucas has to be... "Because I mind. I mind a lot. I don't want you to..." He huffs out a breath.
"Look, Rowan isn't happy about it either. They are going to talk to Jackie, so maybe he'll... relax it a little. So, we could just hold off for a little while..." As much as the idea kills him.
no subject
Max seems set on this path, though. Lucas shuts his mouth, jaw clenching. If it's the only way to be with Max then he wants to, even with the damn journal. But he's not going to push, because he's already fucked this up enough.
"Yeah, we could do that." The smile never reaches his eyes. "Maybe I can teach you how to make lebkuchen?"
no subject
Lucas' smile with no eyes pierces his heart. He can see what pain he's caused. But, he can't see the way out.
He takes the Medium's hand. "Lucas, I want to be with you. I want to share everything with you. But, if I'm going to become a person who can give you everything, I need to figure this out... I need some time." He squeezes in a way he hopes is reassuring.
Then he asks, in the lightest tone he can manage, "What are...lebkuchen?"
no subject
Hopefully.
"I don't mean to make this harder on you," He says instead, letting the moment pass him by, but squeezing with every ounce of sincerity he can into his hold around Max. It's just as plain to him that he's causing the man to hurt, too. "You know where to find me, if you need anything."
Taking a breath, he soldiers on. "It's like fluffy gingerbread. Might be fun to bake together sometime soon?"
no subject
With a sigh, he lets the rest of that conversation drop. He can't... he can't just make it all better. No matter how much he wants to. But, that doesn't mean he wants Lucas to leave him alone completely. So, he latches on to the lebkuchen as a means to keep Lucas there.
"There's nothing I'd love more than to bake something with you right now. You say they're like gingerbread? That's... just in time for the season, isn't it?"
no subject
Give Max time to figure this out, or at least part of it. But, like Rowan said, not enough that Max gets lost in his own emotions.
"Yeah," He manages a smile, "It's kind of a winter treat from Germany. And, I'd love to bake it with you. Mom makes them for me so---" His voice cracks a little. "Sometimes."
no subject
He doesn't want to break off everything. He's just too confused about the sex side right now.
"Oh yeah? Your mom? Would you... tell me about her?"
no subject
If nothing else, he considers Max one of his closest friends here. He's not losing that, too.
"I wish I could show you, I'm thinking about asking my Patron about it actually. Share memories. But," His smile grows fond, "She's all of five foot two, but still tall enough to bend my ear when I'm being stupid." That gets a small laugh, "She'd love you. She cooks but I think she'd like to have someone better than me to boss around."
no subject
Max's smile is genuine but slightly melancholy. He never had a mom to cook with. Or do anything with. She left before he was old enough to remember her. But, oh! To meet Lucas' mother --wouldn't that be something?
"You can do that too? Show your memories to other people?" He sounds enchanted by the idea. Lucas really could show Max his mother?
"I'd... I'd really love if I could meet her. Or, maybe even just feel like I've met her. If you had that power back could you..." his breath catches in his lungs suddenly. "...Could you show me old memories of my dad... or sister?"
no subject
"Well, I can't do it yet, but the more I experience, the older I get, the more these abilities sort of expand out. So I could learn it there some day, but why not try here?" Now his face lifts, latching onto the idea even more. "I want you to meet her, even if it's just from here."
And he taps his head, before his expression fully lights up, "Yeah! I can show you those memories again, and...I could see them too. I'd really like that!"
no subject
Wow, a Medium is always learning and expanding? Just imagine the kind of force Lucas could be to reckon with in ten more years -- even five more years?
"You would?" He brightens. "Is that... something you can do right now?"
no subject
Now the flicker of the idea he started with Edgar is a full-fledged flame, burning with the desire of helping those he cares for. If it helps, even for a few minutes, to relive those precious memories, it's worth asking his Patron for.
"But I will." A promise. "But if you want...I can do a reading now, and tell you? Or we can wait. I'm okay, either way."
no subject
no subject
He takes a breath, thinking along the same lines as Max. Having that painful memory helps him understand the man better, so for that reason alone he's not sorry for it. Only the circumstances around finding out.
"For people, if you want me to try and find something specific, it's easier if you picture your Dad or your sister. Everything else slips me by when I have a narrower target," A sigh, "By accident, it's no wonder I picked up on...that. Traumatic events are what this ability is used for the best. It helps me for the cold cases I handle, for example."
no subject
That second method however. "You readings of people sounds... intense. So, when you do this for your job you have to watch stuff like... that... a lot?" Is it always traumatic things? How can Lucas stand it?
"When you do it on people is it like watching a movie still?"
no subject
Lucas breathes out a long sigh, shoulders sagging. "I see it like you would see it, like I was you. Most of the time," His voice quiets. "It's their last moments."
For a brief moment eyes close, before they open, trained on Max. "If it can bring closure, I'll do it a thousand times over."
no subject
Max's breath catches in his chest. Lucas' didn't just see his worst moment? He...lived it. And he does that for people's deaths. All the time?
Max can't think of anything to say, so he wraps Lucas up in his arms instead, and holds him to tight.
Then, finally, the words do come. "You are the most selfless goddamn person I've ever met. People all like to say they'd die for someone, but you really do it. Over and over again, don't you?"
no subject
"It's my job," Lucas insists quietly. Selfless? He doesn't give it much thought and buries his face briefly into Max's chest. "It's nothing special, what else am I supposed to do with it? Taking up a boring old desk job?"
No way in hell.
no subject
"As if it isn't a miracle that a man like you was born who can both do the job and sit there humbly saying 'what else was I supposed to do?' If you don't see how special that is then...I don't know what to tell you."
The real heroes, as far as Max has ever been concerned, are the ones who never think of themselves as one.
"You're the rarest type of man there is," he says, kissing Lucas' on his crown. "That's why I want you to stay around." Even if they can't be intimate at the moment, he never wants to lose this connection with Lucas. That, too, is something rare and special.
no subject
Until he met Max.
"Dude, I'm not going anywhere," He clings just a little tighter. "There's nothing short of telling me to take a hike that will change that, okay? No matter what."
no subject
I love you.
The thought swirls in his mind. He should say it. But now isn't the time. Not when he's just told Lucas he won't be with him. That he can't for a while. This isn't the moment but...Now Max knows it's really true.
"No matter what," Max echoes.
He presses his lips to Lucas' head and leaves them there. speaking fondly against the man's hair.
"There is a memory I'd like you to have. Something I'd like you to know. Tell me when you're ready to see it?"
no subject
They could get through this together, in time.
Truth be told Lucas is content to stay this way for a while longer, until Max speaks again. He smiles against the man's chest, nodding.
"I'd like to...I'm ready, when you are. Okay?"
no subject
[Happy birthday to you~" His dad and sister's singing is about as pleasant as a cat's yowling to listen too, but it still puts a big smile on his face.
"Now, I know it's not going to impress mister big-time chef-to-be over here," his dad is saying as he lowered a frosted hunk that's supposed to be a cake down in front of Max. "But, just imagine this is how your decorating would turn out after a whole night of drinking, huh?"
The blue buttermilk icing is unevenly distributed over the cake top, with writing on top of that in royal blue that reads 'Happy 21st Birthday Jonah!' There are plastic beer bottle stuck all over the cake and, at the top, a set of plastic costume glasses shaped like beer mugs. He can see himself in the weird yellow reflection. He has a smile so wide it's threatening to leap off his round face.
"Aaaaand," his dad is saying proudly, "we can't forget to light the candles. But, oh no! I forgot my lighter. I guess we'll just have to use this instead."
His dad reaches under the table and comes back up with a butane kitchen torch, a top-of-the-line one, just like the kind he'd seen in that chef magazine.
"Oh my god! You didn't?" His hands clap together with excitement.
"Why don't you do the honors, Jo?" His dad hands over the torch.
"Just don't burn the whole house down," his sister Jennifer teases. She makes a big show of stepping back from him and the flame.
He fires up the torch and sits there admiring it for a moment, in awe of such a wonderful gift. Then he turns it to the candles and lights them up, accidentally melting half of them away in the process. "Oops."
"Guess that's why you still need to be in school," his father jokes. "Go ahead, blow them out and make a wish."
"I don't know what else I have to wish for," he says, hovering over the candles. Maybe snow for Christmas, he thinks. Then he blows them all out, to the applause of his sister and dad.
"Okay," his dad says, clapping him on the shoulder. "Now that you've made it all the way to manhood, it's time for you to have that first drink with me. I save this for only the most special of occasions."
His dad fills two shot glasses with a strange clear alcohol that has little golden flakes in it. Then offers one to his son to take.
"Can I have some too?" Jennifer asks. The blond eyes those glasses with jealousy. But dad shakes his head.
"Awww," she pouts.
They lift their now full shot glasses. His dad makes a toast. "No matter how far life will carry you, be it here or maybe all the way to Paris, I want you to remember one thing: I could never be more proud of you, son. Happy birthday."
He drinks and instantly sputters at the sting of the alcohol, stronger than anything he's ever tasted. He uses that as the excuse for why his eyes are suddenly watering so much. Just the alcohol. Definitely. He's not crying...]
(no subject)
getting close to wrapping this one too maybe?
Yeah good to wind down!