Being the way I am used to be my self-preservation. How I used to survive. Now I'm here. And I said NO to you. Do you have any idea how hard that was? For me.
Yeah, I do. And the fact that you did was a good thing. But self-preservation means caring about yourself, not putting your head in the lion's mouth. It means having a fight or flight instinct. And I don't think you have that.
You're taking it too literal. Fighting isn't always physical and flight isn't always running. It's defending yourself or extracting yourself from the situation. Your instinct is to cower and accept what's happening.
I'm not condemning the things you've had to do back home to survive. I don't know what you've had to do there that have shaped you into who you are. Just like you don't know what made me into who I am. But that lack of self-preservation here has somehow made a woman that is rather nice and warm, someone who has the inordinate patience of a leader that tries to do good, put you on a stabbing list if what you say is true.
My instinct to fight back was how a vampire died. And now I am what I am thanks to them. You make it sound like it's so easy to stop being that because I'm here now. I don't have the control you have.
But if you want to know what happened with Lexa, you can ask her yourself. You respect her more than me.
I'm concerned that you're not aware of how you're interacting with others. That you can't read the subtle signs when you're about to walk into a hornet's nest because you legit don't care if you get stung.
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Date: 2020-11-16 07:31 pm (UTC)[Another long pause.]
So maybe you're right. But the answer is more complicated. I did what I had to.
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Date: 2020-11-16 07:40 pm (UTC)I'm not condemning the things you've had to do back home to survive. I don't know what you've had to do there that have shaped you into who you are. Just like you don't know what made me into who I am. But that lack of self-preservation here has somehow made a woman that is rather nice and warm, someone who has the inordinate patience of a leader that tries to do good, put you on a stabbing list if what you say is true.
And that concerns me.
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Date: 2020-11-16 07:51 pm (UTC)But if you want to know what happened with Lexa, you can ask her yourself. You respect her more than me.
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Date: 2020-11-16 08:11 pm (UTC)I'm concerned that you're not aware of how you're interacting with others. That you can't read the subtle signs when you're about to walk into a hornet's nest because you legit don't care if you get stung.
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Date: 2020-11-16 08:18 pm (UTC)I don't want to get stung anymore.
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Date: 2020-11-16 08:26 pm (UTC)Re: Text
Date: 2020-11-16 08:38 pm (UTC)I'm glad you're okay.
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Date: 2020-11-16 09:07 pm (UTC)Take care of yourself, Max.