"Mm. I'm sorry to hear that." He puts a hand on Raleigh's knee. "Have you found anything that helps? I mean, I could rub your back or read to you, if any of that makes a difference."
Max can provide one of those things, Raleigh. He's already offered to. Maybe stop being so stubborn.
"You did," Max says, trying to keep his tone airy, "but don't worry about that. I always mean it when I say you can call on me any time. Nowhere else I'd rather be right now than here with you."
However. "Judging by that text though, it sounds like you'd rather be home. Are you missing your copilot?"
"I'm really sorry," he mumbles, feeling like an asshole. Though Max isn't wrong.
"Yeah. It's...difficult to explain how connected we are. The Drift is...silence. Quiet. Memory, you see everything. Every raw, festering thing. All the good, all the bad, just...laid out like a buffet. That's why you have to be compatible with someone. Why neural patterns are studied for each pilot. You can't just hop in with anyone. It's mental, and physical.." He passes a hand over his face, swallowing.
"Before I really knew her, I remember thinking, she moves like an athlete. Agile, strong. I had no idea until we ran the candidate trials. We had...such a strong connection." It had rivaled his connection with Yancy.
"No. Don't be. I'd be more sorry if you hadn't called." The fact that Raleigh had actually reached out feels like a small miracle in itself.
"That sounds like the ultimate bond of trust. If you see everything about each other. If you're in each other's heads like that. It sounds... beautiful. And hard to live without." Imagine, being so much a part of another person? When they are apart, is it like missing a limb?
"It's not the same thing, I know, but sometimes Lucas like... shares memories with me. I don't know if you've heard this, but he's a Medium. He can play them in my head, it's like being there, like being him. Those moments are..." Max sighs contentedly, "like nothing I could ever describe. And that's just one at a time.
"If you're getting that from someone about everything, all at once? Does it make the outside world feel... like it's missing something?"
"It is, yeah," he says quietly, absently dropping his hand to rest on top of Max's, taking a drink with the other one. And Max is right, he doesn't know how to live without it. It's left him spinning his tires a little.
"He's mentioned it," he murmurs, smiling a little. "But...yes. It does feel like something is missing. It's..." he wets his lips and exhales slow and quiet. "It feels like I'm missing a piece of my soul."
"I'm sorry. I can understand why you'd want to go home. If I had someone to go home to maybe I'd be singing a different tune myself."
He reaches down and takes out the tin of cookies he brought. He opens it and holds them out to Raleigh.
"But, I worry that, since it's not possible, all you're doing here is torturing yourself more. You know what I mean? Not a crime to let yourself relax a little if there's no other choice?"
He perks, looking down at the tin and taking one to munch on. Sweets are the key to his heart.
"It's hard," he says slowly, swallowing his bite of cookie. "It's hard to relax. It's been a long time since I was able to. I was.." He hesitates here, because he hasn't really dumped his story on a lot of people, and his brain is scrambled and he forgets what he's said to who.
"I was in the war," he finally says. "And it didn't go well for me. My...copilot, before Mako, was my brother. He died while we were still connected, and after that I...just drifted for years." He refuses survivors benefits, he refused treatment, he refused the brain scan. He went through his months of therapy because he had to, and then he left, discharged for disobeying orders.
Max knew had had to come armed. He's just glad the key Raleigh's heart is so easy to make.
As Raleigh works to bring the words out, Max's hand on his leg strokes soft circles in his skin. But that grip tightens when Raleigh reveals that terrible truth.
"Oh, Raleigh. Oh, I'm so sorry." A cold sickness settles in Max as his mind grasps the full horror of that. To be connected that deeply when his partner, his brother died. It's a wonder Raleigh can function at all.
Suddenly, words don't seem enough. So, Max throws his arms around Raleigh's shoulders. "I'm so fucking sorry."
It's hard to describe the loss, the fear, the pain. Feeling it all, every second of it, from the moment Knifehead breached the hull to the second Yancy's life was snuffed out.
He leans into Max, closing his eyes a little.
"I saw him. On Halloween. Samhain. Whatever. When my mask slipped a few times, I saw him."
"Oh, god..." That party. It was supposed to be a fun event but it seems to have brought misery to so many.
"Shit, man. I can't imagine the kinds of bad memories that dragged up for you. I don't... I mean, I don't think it was really him. But, that doesn't actually matter much. It's still awful."
Max knows the feeling. He saw someone from his past too. "My mask only slipped once, and that was enough. I'm so sorry." He keeps saying that: sorry. But he just doesn't know what else there is to say.
"Is it, though?" Max asks shrewdly. "In here?" he taps lightly at Raleigh's temple. Max has reason to think otherwise. Why would he be answering a call in the middle of the night like this otherwise?
"Or here?" He taps at Raleigh's chest too, over his heart.
"There's moving on and then there's... drinking to forget. Or, working long hours to stay distracted hoping you can. Believe me, I'm intimately familiar with that concept."
"No, he admits. Not for either, his heart or his head. But what do you do? How do you move on, when you feel all of these things, all the time? It's overwhelming, and sometimes it catches up to him.
"Yeah. I've done...all of those." On more than one occasion, here, and back home.
"No. It's not anyone's responsibility, but that doesn't mean there aren't some people who'd want to listen.
"Believe me, I've seen some heavy shit too. So, if you want to lay it on me, I'm here to listen. You need to lay the burden down some time or it's going to overwhelm you."
"I appreciate it." He does, honestly. No one's given a shit in like five years, and when someone finally does, he's pulled here away from her. It's hard.
Max puts an arm around him. "I'm sure you get the picture, but I'm not just saying it. I do mean it. I don't care if you call me the same time every night. There's nothing in this world I care more about than being here for the people I love. Raleigh, you're one of them."
Raleigh is safe here. Max's hand rubs lightly over his shoulder, keeping him tucked in close. If the man needs a literal shoulder to cry on, Max won't tell a single soul.
"You've got a lot of people who care about you. You're not alone. No matter how much you feel like it in the middle of the night. We're here."
Max waits in quiet for a moment, giving Raleigh a chance to process that and anything else he might need to say before he adds lightly. "If you're tired, I can stay with you?" They can cuddle together like they did that one night. Max will hold him until the dawn.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-06 05:49 am (UTC)"Will you tell me what's keeping you up? Besides wanting to go home?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-06 03:54 pm (UTC)"I'm a chronic insomniac. It's been going on a long time. Over five years."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-06 11:39 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-06 11:51 pm (UTC)Pills, drugs, illegal drugs. Sex.
"It just...is what it is. I didn't wake you up, did I?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-06 11:58 pm (UTC)"You did," Max says, trying to keep his tone airy, "but don't worry about that. I always mean it when I say you can call on me any time. Nowhere else I'd rather be right now than here with you."
However. "Judging by that text though, it sounds like you'd rather be home. Are you missing your copilot?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-07 12:03 am (UTC)"I'm really sorry," he mumbles, feeling like an asshole. Though Max isn't wrong.
"Yeah. It's...difficult to explain how connected we are. The Drift is...silence. Quiet. Memory, you see everything. Every raw, festering thing. All the good, all the bad, just...laid out like a buffet. That's why you have to be compatible with someone. Why neural patterns are studied for each pilot. You can't just hop in with anyone. It's mental, and physical.." He passes a hand over his face, swallowing.
"Before I really knew her, I remember thinking, she moves like an athlete. Agile, strong. I had no idea until we ran the candidate trials. We had...such a strong connection." It had rivaled his connection with Yancy.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-07 04:15 am (UTC)"No. Don't be. I'd be more sorry if you hadn't called." The fact that Raleigh had actually reached out feels like a small miracle in itself.
"That sounds like the ultimate bond of trust. If you see everything about each other. If you're in each other's heads like that. It sounds... beautiful. And hard to live without." Imagine, being so much a part of another person? When they are apart, is it like missing a limb?
"It's not the same thing, I know, but sometimes Lucas like... shares memories with me. I don't know if you've heard this, but he's a Medium. He can play them in my head, it's like being there, like being him. Those moments are..." Max sighs contentedly, "like nothing I could ever describe. And that's just one at a time.
"If you're getting that from someone about everything, all at once? Does it make the outside world feel... like it's missing something?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-08 01:26 am (UTC)"It is, yeah," he says quietly, absently dropping his hand to rest on top of Max's, taking a drink with the other one. And Max is right, he doesn't know how to live without it. It's left him spinning his tires a little.
"He's mentioned it," he murmurs, smiling a little. "But...yes. It does feel like something is missing. It's..." he wets his lips and exhales slow and quiet. "It feels like I'm missing a piece of my soul."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-09 04:21 am (UTC)He reaches down and takes out the tin of cookies he brought. He opens it and holds them out to Raleigh.
"But, I worry that, since it's not possible, all you're doing here is torturing yourself more. You know what I mean? Not a crime to let yourself relax a little if there's no other choice?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-09 10:17 pm (UTC)"It's hard," he says slowly, swallowing his bite of cookie. "It's hard to relax. It's been a long time since I was able to. I was.." He hesitates here, because he hasn't really dumped his story on a lot of people, and his brain is scrambled and he forgets what he's said to who.
"I was in the war," he finally says. "And it didn't go well for me. My...copilot, before Mako, was my brother. He died while we were still connected, and after that I...just drifted for years." He refuses survivors benefits, he refused treatment, he refused the brain scan. He went through his months of therapy because he had to, and then he left, discharged for disobeying orders.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-11 01:30 pm (UTC)As Raleigh works to bring the words out, Max's hand on his leg strokes soft circles in his skin. But that grip tightens when Raleigh reveals that terrible truth.
"Oh, Raleigh. Oh, I'm so sorry." A cold sickness settles in Max as his mind grasps the full horror of that. To be connected that deeply when his partner, his brother died. It's a wonder Raleigh can function at all.
Suddenly, words don't seem enough. So, Max throws his arms around Raleigh's shoulders. "I'm so fucking sorry."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-13 01:00 am (UTC)He leans into Max, closing his eyes a little.
"I saw him. On Halloween. Samhain. Whatever. When my mask slipped a few times, I saw him."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-16 05:37 am (UTC)"Shit, man. I can't imagine the kinds of bad memories that dragged up for you. I don't... I mean, I don't think it was really him. But, that doesn't actually matter much. It's still awful."
Max knows the feeling. He saw someone from his past too. "My mask only slipped once, and that was enough. I'm so sorry." He keeps saying that: sorry. But he just doesn't know what else there is to say.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-18 12:06 am (UTC)"Yeah. It's fine, it's over." Raleigh doesn't particularly want to go into detail - it was...traumatic. "Time to move on, right?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-19 05:11 pm (UTC)"Or here?" He taps at Raleigh's chest too, over his heart.
"There's moving on and then there's... drinking to forget. Or, working long hours to stay distracted hoping you can. Believe me, I'm intimately familiar with that concept."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-21 02:24 pm (UTC)"Yeah. I've done...all of those." On more than one occasion, here, and back home.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-22 10:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-23 01:31 am (UTC)"I mean...what's to say? It's heavy shit that isn't anyone else's responsibility to bear, you know?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-23 06:09 am (UTC)"Believe me, I've seen some heavy shit too. So, if you want to lay it on me, I'm here to listen. You need to lay the burden down some time or it's going to overwhelm you."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-23 05:34 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-23 05:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-28 01:05 pm (UTC)He instinctively leans into it, resting his head on Max's shoulder.
"That means a lot." Raleigh's a little emotional, and he's glad his head is on Max's shoulder so his face is hidden.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-01-02 04:23 pm (UTC)"You've got a lot of people who care about you. You're not alone. No matter how much you feel like it in the middle of the night. We're here."
Max waits in quiet for a moment, giving Raleigh a chance to process that and anything else he might need to say before he adds lightly. "If you're tired, I can stay with you?" They can cuddle together like they did that one night. Max will hold him until the dawn.