He curls in tighter to himself, as if he could shun Lucas' comfort, undeserving of it as he is.
"I treated Astarion like... like he'd be same as Erik. But he's not. And I knew that. I should have known that." Astarion's master had done unspeakable things to him. He knew better than anyone the horrors that could be done. How could Max have even begun to insinuate he wouldn't be careful? Of course he would!
"I shouldn't get a pass for this. Lioriley says she forgives me but she shouldn't."
All the more reason for Lucas to hold Max tighter. No escape, no escape ever.
Lucas frowns to himself, hearing the self recrimination heavy in Max's tone. Laying the blame solely upon his own shoulders.
"Forgiveness isn't a pass," Lucas gently presses his forehead to the back of Max's neck, knowing that mark is there. Erik's mark and all the trauma that Max is still unpacking that goes along with it.
"Whether she forgives you or not is up to her, Max. She forgave you and she means it." He's careful to keep his voice even. "So you either accept it and start to set this right, or you don't and dig your hole even further. I mean, yes, you were trying to look out for her and it brought up things that didn't need to be, but you are...you are trying to work through things, Max. It's messy and scary and sometimes not straight-forward. You're going to make mistakes, and take a few steps back, but it's still progress. And so is accepting Lior's forgiveness and mending things with Astarion."
His shoulders are where all the blame belongs as far as Max is concerned. But he can't deny the warm comfort of his love's embrace. Despite himself, his posture loosens. --until he feels Lucas' forehead pressing directly to his brand. Suddenly, he's tight again, like a spring.
But Lucas knows what that is. Lucas knows. And accepts it as a part of him. And now... so does Lioriley. Slowly, inch by inch, Max lets himself uncurl again. He lets Lucas' words seep in past the barriers he's put up.
She's forgiven him. Her choice? So now he... he has to accept that or he'll make things even worse?
"I want to make it right," he croaks, just barely holding back a sob. "I never wanted to... Lucas I... I don't what to do now. I don't know where to go from here. I'm so lost. I feel so lost." The world is spinning all around him, faster and faster.
Lucas takes a low, careful breath. He needs to be the rock for Max to cling to, but it hurts as he feels the man draw in on himself even if it doesn't last.
"First, I need you to take a few breathes, okay? Nice and calm. You're too wound up to think straight and that's not fair to you or Lioriley." Lucas takes an exaggerated breath. "With me?"
Even if Max takes his own rhythm for it, Lucas still silently encourages him, gently kissing his back just below that horrible mark. One baby step at a time, Max could get through this.
Max takes a long breath in, following along with Lucas setting the pace. This helps, less because of the breathing and more because he has someone leading him in it.
The first few breaths are shaky, still quivering with pain. But as it continues, and as Lucas presses kiss to him, he calms. And the buzzing in his mind begins to quiet.
"What next?" He asks. There's an odd eagerness in his voice as if he's desperate for Lucas to give him more guidance... or an order.
For a few moments Lucas has to remind himself to breath. That tone in Max's voice is strange, unsettling even, until he takes these few moments to consider it. In the lens of Max's past, of that horrible year he barely remembers, the moment he broke, and the years since then living as Erik's Pet, it all comes together in a horrible moment of realization.
An order.
His gut twists. Lucas wants so desperately for Max's own sake for him to make his own decisions, and he has been making progress, but it's only been a little shy of half a year since they both arrived in the city. Not nearly enough time to completely undo damaged that reaches so deep it's buried itself in the core of Max's soul. This is simply...too much.
Swallowing thickly Lucas presses on. He can think, and fall apart, later. Max needs him now.
"You're doing good," He praises, another kiss to follow. "You're still tense, so we're going to relax all of these tense muscles next. Okay? Focus on your toes first."
Slowly Lucas walks Max through relaxing everything from his toes up, while frantically rattling his brain for what to tell the man next.
The praise warms him. So does the kiss. On Lucas' cue, he begins to do as he's told, attempting to relax his muscles one-by-one starting at the toes.
Lucas will feel his body loosen as they go, and once they've reached his chest and arms, Max's breathing is steady and deep. It's working. The anxiety is receding.
"I'm so tired," he says. He stayed up fretting all night. "I want to just... sleep for a while?" If Lucas tells him to do it, he's sure he'll be able to now.
"Almost, Max. You're doing so good." Lucas manages to say while his stomach ties in knots. He hates this realization and the darker implications that spiderweb out from it. If this helps Max move forward and slowly shake off the shackles of being a Pet, then he'll swallow down how much it makes his heart ache without protest.
"Just one more thing and then you can sleep." He promises with another kiss. Focus on Max. Lucas takes a quiet breath to steady himself. "I need you to accept Lior's forgiveness. And I know! I know. It's not easy and that you don't believe you deserve it. But accept it and talk to her. Soon. Alright?"
Max nods his head in reaction to more praise. Good. He's doing good. He's doing better. The world is stable beneath him once more. His place in it feels solid. There's just that one thing...
Accept Lioriley's forgiveness.
Another tremor runs through him. He tenses one last time. But it's still an order. It's what he must do. So, he nods again.
"I will," he promises. "I... do. I'll call her."
With that promise cast in stone, he closes his eyes and lets out another long shuddering breath. Lucas said he could sleep after that one last thing. He longs to let that blissful nothingness take him for a while. He's reached the point of exhaustion now where he doesn't think he can resist it anymore. He's slipping already.
Lucas stills, his chest near bursting with broiling emotion as he waits. Max will either accept the order or rail against it and part of him is hoping it's the latter.
It isn't.
His stomach drops and slowly, carefully, Lucas measures his exhale out and forces himself to relax around Max, to hold in a tremble and keep the wetness stinging his eyes at bay. A kiss to send Max off to slumber. No further orders from the Medium will follow aside from a quiet, "Good night, Max. I love you."
Long past the moment he's certain the man is sleeping, Lucas waits, swallowing down the burning lump in his throat, blinking to hold back tears until that no longer works. They slide hot and silent down his cheeks. Afraid for Max, worrying for Max, in ways that absolutely fill him with dread, because he'll do it again. If another situation arises, if it means helping guide his love along a better path, then Lucas vows he'll take on this mantle again. As many times as he needs to, but it's not a noble gesture.
It makes him no better than Erik, in the end.
The thought keeps him up umtil his tears have dried and the castle starts waking up. No rest for the weary, he had promised to check on Lioriley and he means to do that, too. Once Max is up and moving, Lucas kisses him goodbye and slips out of the man's room.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-10 10:34 pm (UTC)He curls in tighter to himself, as if he could shun Lucas' comfort, undeserving of it as he is.
"I treated Astarion like... like he'd be same as Erik. But he's not. And I knew that. I should have known that." Astarion's master had done unspeakable things to him. He knew better than anyone the horrors that could be done. How could Max have even begun to insinuate he wouldn't be careful? Of course he would!
"I shouldn't get a pass for this. Lioriley says she forgives me but she shouldn't."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-12 04:55 pm (UTC)Lucas frowns to himself, hearing the self recrimination heavy in Max's tone. Laying the blame solely upon his own shoulders.
"Forgiveness isn't a pass," Lucas gently presses his forehead to the back of Max's neck, knowing that mark is there. Erik's mark and all the trauma that Max is still unpacking that goes along with it.
"Whether she forgives you or not is up to her, Max. She forgave you and she means it." He's careful to keep his voice even. "So you either accept it and start to set this right, or you don't and dig your hole even further. I mean, yes, you were trying to look out for her and it brought up things that didn't need to be, but you are...you are trying to work through things, Max. It's messy and scary and sometimes not straight-forward. You're going to make mistakes, and take a few steps back, but it's still progress. And so is accepting Lior's forgiveness and mending things with Astarion."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-13 02:18 am (UTC)But Lucas knows what that is. Lucas knows. And accepts it as a part of him. And now... so does Lioriley. Slowly, inch by inch, Max lets himself uncurl again. He lets Lucas' words seep in past the barriers he's put up.
She's forgiven him. Her choice? So now he... he has to accept that or he'll make things even worse?
"I want to make it right," he croaks, just barely holding back a sob. "I never wanted to... Lucas I... I don't what to do now. I don't know where to go from here. I'm so lost. I feel so lost." The world is spinning all around him, faster and faster.
"What do I do? Tell me? What do I do?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-13 03:07 am (UTC)"First, I need you to take a few breathes, okay? Nice and calm. You're too wound up to think straight and that's not fair to you or Lioriley." Lucas takes an exaggerated breath. "With me?"
Even if Max takes his own rhythm for it, Lucas still silently encourages him, gently kissing his back just below that horrible mark. One baby step at a time, Max could get through this.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-13 03:54 am (UTC)Max takes a long breath in, following along with Lucas setting the pace. This helps, less because of the breathing and more because he has someone leading him in it.
The first few breaths are shaky, still quivering with pain. But as it continues, and as Lucas presses kiss to him, he calms. And the buzzing in his mind begins to quiet.
"What next?" He asks. There's an odd eagerness in his voice as if he's desperate for Lucas to give him more guidance... or an order.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-13 04:11 am (UTC)An order.
His gut twists. Lucas wants so desperately for Max's own sake for him to make his own decisions, and he has been making progress, but it's only been a little shy of half a year since they both arrived in the city. Not nearly enough time to completely undo damaged that reaches so deep it's buried itself in the core of Max's soul. This is simply...too much.
Swallowing thickly Lucas presses on. He can think, and fall apart, later. Max needs him now.
"You're doing good," He praises, another kiss to follow. "You're still tense, so we're going to relax all of these tense muscles next. Okay? Focus on your toes first."
Slowly Lucas walks Max through relaxing everything from his toes up, while frantically rattling his brain for what to tell the man next.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-16 05:48 am (UTC)Lucas will feel his body loosen as they go, and once they've reached his chest and arms, Max's breathing is steady and deep. It's working. The anxiety is receding.
"I'm so tired," he says. He stayed up fretting all night. "I want to just... sleep for a while?" If Lucas tells him to do it, he's sure he'll be able to now.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-16 02:08 pm (UTC)"Just one more thing and then you can sleep." He promises with another kiss. Focus on Max. Lucas takes a quiet breath to steady himself. "I need you to accept Lior's forgiveness. And I know! I know. It's not easy and that you don't believe you deserve it. But accept it and talk to her. Soon. Alright?"
this looks good to wrap up
Date: 2020-12-16 04:39 pm (UTC)Accept Lioriley's forgiveness.
Another tremor runs through him. He tenses one last time. But it's still an order. It's what he must do. So, he nods again.
"I will," he promises. "I... do. I'll call her."
With that promise cast in stone, he closes his eyes and lets out another long shuddering breath. Lucas said he could sleep after that one last thing. He longs to let that blissful nothingness take him for a while. He's reached the point of exhaustion now where he doesn't think he can resist it anymore. He's slipping already.
And good to call done, enjoy the feels
Date: 2020-12-16 05:13 pm (UTC)It isn't.
His stomach drops and slowly, carefully, Lucas measures his exhale out and forces himself to relax around Max, to hold in a tremble and keep the wetness stinging his eyes at bay. A kiss to send Max off to slumber. No further orders from the Medium will follow aside from a quiet, "Good night, Max. I love you."
Long past the moment he's certain the man is sleeping, Lucas waits, swallowing down the burning lump in his throat, blinking to hold back tears until that no longer works. They slide hot and silent down his cheeks. Afraid for Max, worrying for Max, in ways that absolutely fill him with dread, because he'll do it again. If another situation arises, if it means helping guide his love along a better path, then Lucas vows he'll take on this mantle again. As many times as he needs to, but it's not a noble gesture.
It makes him no better than Erik, in the end.
The thought keeps him up umtil his tears have dried and the castle starts waking up. No rest for the weary, he had promised to check on Lioriley and he means to do that, too. Once Max is up and moving, Lucas kisses him goodbye and slips out of the man's room.