He's been holding together for so long. Now, finally, the pieces of his mask start to flake away, revealing the mess that still lies beneath the veneer of confidence he so often puts on.
"I don't know..." he answers.
Would a drink really help? Maybe. But it's been helping less and less. It feels like reaching back in time, to the habits he had when he was all alone, when the closest thing he had to a friend was a vampire Master. He doesn't have that anymore. But he has Lucas. That's better. That should be enough.
"It hurts so bad. I told myself I'd... I'd be able to handle it. I knew it would happen sooner or later but... I can't believe they're really gone. It didn't feel like enough time."
He buries his face against Lucas' arm. The sobbing overtakes him and, for a moment, all he can do is take breath after ragged breath.
"I wish I could put it all in a box like you do. The closest thing I have to that is..." he gestures at the bottle laying on the bed.
Lucas holds Max tight, regret and sadness washing over him. He misses them, too. Knowing for certain that they will forget their time here makes the sting even worse. At least those left behind have the memories, for what little consolation that's worth.
"Grief hits people different, Max." Lucas says gently, rubbing a slow circle against the man's back. This is what it is, grieving over those who were lost. "The box thing helps for cases, but I...it sucks, losing them all at once. I'm so sorry."
But in this context, try as Lucas might, he's feeling just as torn and lost. "But, we don't have to drink...we also don't have to fall apart alone, okay?"
Grief. That is it. Greif for the memories they made. Grief for the person they all became here. Greif of knowing this could happen again, to anyone. He's lost so many people in his life. He wanted it to be different here.
One thing is different. Lucas is here.
"I don't want to be alone." He turns around and clings to Lucas' front.
"I don't," he gasps and struggles to get the words out. "I don't want to be... I don't want to... I don't want to be sent back too. I don't want to forget you."
Giving Max room to maneuver, Lucas clings back just as hard, as if the man would slip through his fingers like sand. It could happen again, to Max or Rowan, to anyone. Poof, gone just like that, forgetting all their time here.
But Max is here now and Lucas can take comfort in that.
"I have you and you have me," He croaks out around a tight throat, holding back a sob. "I don't want to forget...you feel like a part of me. From the very beginning."
It's a feeling that surfaces every now and again, and one he can't shake (and doesn't want to). It feels like he's known Max forever, but it hasn't even been a year. But saying it out loud is another thing, a scary thought that rarely finds a voice.
"I don't know if we ever meet back home but that doesn't matter. We have here and now and I'll hold onto that as hard as I can. I promise."
Like part of him. Yes. That's exactly how Max feels too. From the moment their eyes met at the party, he could feel it in his soul.
"I feel like I've known you my whole life. Like you've always been a part of me. I could never forget you. Not ever."
The idea that they could possibly meet back home both excites and terrifies him. Would it be the same? Would they feel the same? It doesn't matter because it's never going to happen. They are never leaving this place. He is never leaving. This is all there's ever going to be.
He's going to make every precious memory count. He's going to keep every lost friend alive here in his mind. He'll never let them fade. It hurts so bad. Missing them all feels like carving holes out of his heart. But it's better than forgetting. Those friendships can never die as long as someone is here to keep the flames burning for them. He'll be that someone.
"I'll hold on forever Lucas. I'll never let it go. I promise."
There's a knot of tension in his chest that comes undone at Max's words. Despite knowing that it might a promise out of their control until they can convince the fae to keep them here. That thought bouys him, bolsters his soul. They could make it until then because they had each other to lean on. They had this.
He wanted to spend the rest of his life here with Max.
That thought would have terrified him six months ago, but now? No second guessing. Come what may they could face the different hurdles of life here.
Together.
Tugging on Max, Lucas guides them both over to the bed. They can murmur reassurances to each other before falling asleep in a tangle, safe and secure in each other's arms.
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(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-29 07:56 pm (UTC)"I don't know..." he answers.
Would a drink really help? Maybe. But it's been helping less and less. It feels like reaching back in time, to the habits he had when he was all alone, when the closest thing he had to a friend was a vampire Master. He doesn't have that anymore. But he has Lucas. That's better. That should be enough.
"It hurts so bad. I told myself I'd... I'd be able to handle it. I knew it would happen sooner or later but... I can't believe they're really gone. It didn't feel like enough time."
He buries his face against Lucas' arm. The sobbing overtakes him and, for a moment, all he can do is take breath after ragged breath.
"I wish I could put it all in a box like you do. The closest thing I have to that is..." he gestures at the bottle laying on the bed.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-31 04:19 pm (UTC)"Grief hits people different, Max." Lucas says gently, rubbing a slow circle against the man's back. This is what it is, grieving over those who were lost. "The box thing helps for cases, but I...it sucks, losing them all at once. I'm so sorry."
But in this context, try as Lucas might, he's feeling just as torn and lost. "But, we don't have to drink...we also don't have to fall apart alone, okay?"
(no subject)
Date: 2021-04-02 03:24 am (UTC)One thing is different. Lucas is here.
"I don't want to be alone." He turns around and clings to Lucas' front.
"I don't," he gasps and struggles to get the words out. "I don't want to be... I don't want to... I don't want to be sent back too. I don't want to forget you."
(no subject)
Date: 2021-04-06 02:31 pm (UTC)But Max is here now and Lucas can take comfort in that.
"I have you and you have me," He croaks out around a tight throat, holding back a sob. "I don't want to forget...you feel like a part of me. From the very beginning."
It's a feeling that surfaces every now and again, and one he can't shake (and doesn't want to). It feels like he's known Max forever, but it hasn't even been a year. But saying it out loud is another thing, a scary thought that rarely finds a voice.
"I don't know if we ever meet back home but that doesn't matter. We have here and now and I'll hold onto that as hard as I can. I promise."
okay with keeping this one short?
Date: 2021-04-08 05:03 pm (UTC)Like part of him. Yes. That's exactly how Max feels too. From the moment their eyes met at the party, he could feel it in his soul.
"I feel like I've known you my whole life. Like you've always been a part of me. I could never forget you. Not ever."
The idea that they could possibly meet back home both excites and terrifies him. Would it be the same? Would they feel the same? It doesn't matter because it's never going to happen. They are never leaving this place. He is never leaving. This is all there's ever going to be.
He's going to make every precious memory count. He's going to keep every lost friend alive here in his mind. He'll never let them fade. It hurts so bad. Missing them all feels like carving holes out of his heart. But it's better than forgetting. Those friendships can never die as long as someone is here to keep the flames burning for them. He'll be that someone.
"I'll hold on forever Lucas. I'll never let it go. I promise."
and done!
Date: 2021-04-09 02:38 pm (UTC)He wanted to spend the rest of his life here with Max.
That thought would have terrified him six months ago, but now? No second guessing. Come what may they could face the different hurdles of life here.
Together.
Tugging on Max, Lucas guides them both over to the bed. They can murmur reassurances to each other before falling asleep in a tangle, safe and secure in each other's arms.