"I understand duty. I understand sacrifice. But... if you can't protect the people you care most about, what is it all for?"
Maybe that's selfish of him, but it's how he feels. What good is it, saving the world, if everything you love is gone from it?
"I'll do anything for him, or for you. But some things are just..." The words choke off in his throat.
Images flash before his eyes. Brutal moments where he watched Erik drag away a blood-crazed Childe, one of the poor turned souls Erik's sister had left in her wake. That only happened twice. But both times, the house range with pitiful wails, before descending into a cold, dreary silence. And then his Master would walk through the halls for the next feel days looking broken and hollow. It was his duty, he'd say. A necessary evil. A kindness, to put them out of their misery.
"Killing Lucas like that would not be a kindness! Not ever. I can't see it that way. I can't. I never will. If that's how she really feels about it then... maybe I'm not as sorry for what I said."
"Right?" Max understands. It's a relief, after the fight with Lilith. People are more important than any predestined duty. How she can even think about thinking that putting her duty before her partner? Why is she putting herself through that turmoil?
...Well, because she's been told it's the right thing to do, that's why. It makes them angry about the peope who've put her into that mindset.
"If someone needs it, if they ask for it themselves, then. But even then it wouldn't be my place to do that, that's a medical necessity, not the time for some fucking beast coming in!"
Max nods and puts his forehead against theirs. If one of them asked him for that... could he do it? He's not sure. The one time he killed, it was self-defense, and even still it weighs heavy on him.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do anymore."
Rowan gives Max a kiss that tastes of beer, instinctively rubbing their nose on his when it breaks. "You don't need to know the answer to everything, you know. Not everything's black and white. And I..."
They take a breath. "I think I'm going to tell Lilith I don't want to speak to her for a bit. I don't think it'll help neither of us. She's hurt and angry and so am I, and so are you, and it's only going to make things worse. So maybe if I tell her I don't want to talk to her maybe she'll think about things, or maybe she won't, but at least we can't make things worse."
The taste of beer explains a little about how they were moving when they got in. Now Max is the one tempted to go find his whiskey stash. He resists. He promised Lucas he would be better about that.
"I know... doesn't stop it from hurting sometimes..." He nuzzles them back, eyes closing as he sucks in a breath.
They're going to tell Lilith they don't want to speak to her? There's a stab of guilt that tries to pry his ribs apart and worm inside, but it doesn't quite land. Instead, there's another realization blooming in his chest. He's not sure he wants to talk to Lilith again either after this. She's yelled at him before, and he's deserved it before. Maybe he deserved it this time too but... every time it happens, he feels a part of himself shatter. And it takes him time to pick up the pieces. And the last few times... it's been Rowan who had to help him do it. That's not fair to either of them.
"I think maybe... I'll tell her the same. This is... " he sighs. "It's hard for me to say. I'll always care about her but... we don't get along so well sometimes. So maybe it's like you said: this way we can't make it worse."
"Yeah. Can't make it worse, we'll all have time to let it settle and maybe calm down and maybe she'll figure things out. I dunno. But I think it's probably for the best." They nuzzle into his cheek, holding him close.
"We'll need to tell Lucas sommat though. And I don't want to tell him what she said. Not proper." Something about what happened, because it's not fair to him otherwise but he doesn't need to know the details. The last thing they want is for him to think that it's his fault.
"I... hate this," he says mournfully. It hurts, even when he knows it's the right choice. Hopefully one day they will be able to forgive and move on.
But Rowan's other question diverts his attention away from that pain now. They do need to tell Lucas what happened. But he agrees with Rowan, he doesn't want Lucas to know he was the topic of it all. That won't do him any good.
"He knows I've had fights with Lilith before. We'll tell him most of the truth, that I and she both said things we couldn't forgive and that we're giving each other space. If he asks what was said, I can be honest and tell him I'm too ashamed to talk about it." Because, well, he is.
They hope so too. Despite everything they can't bring themself to hate Lilith, or even dislike her. Like Ren and Silent, she's trapped in a situation that isn't her fault. Even if her way of thinking hurts, they know where it comes from. But it's those different priorities that are causing their issues, and there's not much that can be done about that.
"Okay. I guess that works." They sign, resting their head on his shoulder. Not being able to tell Lucas the whole truth hurts, but it's better than the alternative. "The whole thing's a fucking mess. I don't want to brush it under the carpet, not exactly, but I wish it'd go away."
"And then what? It would have happened some other time. And she'd have walked off thinking she said the right thing. I mean, she still does, but just maybe she'll think about it." And she did say that she shouldn't have said it to Max at least. Which is... something. Not much, but something.
"Sometimes this crap is inevitable. Don't make it pleasant, but inevitable. It's just a right pain in the arse." Gently, they poke Max's shoulder. "But not no one's fault, so don't start thinking that."
A heavy sigh seeps out of him. Now, or sometime in the future... was this really always inevitable?
"I'll try not to. Right now it just... hurts a lot." And it's easier to be angry with himself than someone else but that's not right either. He knows that.
"I know." They kiss his brow, hugging him in tightly. "Means you care. But try not to think about it too much for now?" They know it's asking a lot, but there's not much that can be done until Lilith is ready to come to them, so it's best to try and put it aside.
"Okay," he says meekly. "I'll try." He will. Ultimately, there's nothing else he can do now.
He presses his weight into Rowan, grateful for their comfort, hopeful that he's as much comfort for them too. It must be just as hard for them, just as painful.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. It ain't... it's sad, and I was fucking pissed at her earlier, but. I dunno." They wish they could tell Max all of the truth, but Lilith being a werewolf isn't their truth to tell. As much as they hate keeping it from him, they promised. "I guess I'm disappointed in her more than anything else. Thought she knew better." They give a little shrug.
He nods in agreement. "Yeah. Yeah..." He can't seem to find more to say than that. Anything that won't lead to him wanting to apologize again, that is.
"God, fuck yes. Please." Rowan says, clinging to Max for a moment. Yes, that's exactly what they want, to curl up into him and just ignore the rest of the world for a while. It's so easy to do that with their face tucked into him, held safely in his strong arms, why would they want anything else?
...Actually, there's one other thing they'd like. Soft fingers wiggle against his hip, pulling his shirt out enough to dip under it, stroking round to the bottom button and playing with it. "Clothes off?" They add, hopefully.
There's no hesitation from Rowan as well, moving to start shucking their own clothes. As they do so, though, they stand up, pulling Max with them to the bedroom, so they can curl up together in bed, and just bask in one another's presence until Lucas joins them and they can pull him into the pile.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-02 09:25 pm (UTC)Maybe that's selfish of him, but it's how he feels. What good is it, saving the world, if everything you love is gone from it?
"I'll do anything for him, or for you. But some things are just..." The words choke off in his throat.
Images flash before his eyes. Brutal moments where he watched Erik drag away a blood-crazed Childe, one of the poor turned souls Erik's sister had left in her wake. That only happened twice. But both times, the house range with pitiful wails, before descending into a cold, dreary silence. And then his Master would walk through the halls for the next feel days looking broken and hollow. It was his duty, he'd say. A necessary evil. A kindness, to put them out of their misery.
"Killing Lucas like that would not be a kindness! Not ever. I can't see it that way. I can't. I never will. If that's how she really feels about it then... maybe I'm not as sorry for what I said."
(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-02 09:41 pm (UTC)...Well, because she's been told it's the right thing to do, that's why. It makes them angry about the peope who've put her into that mindset.
"If someone needs it, if they ask for it themselves, then. But even then it wouldn't be my place to do that, that's a medical necessity, not the time for some fucking beast coming in!"
(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-02 09:46 pm (UTC)"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do anymore."
(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-02 10:53 pm (UTC)They take a breath. "I think I'm going to tell Lilith I don't want to speak to her for a bit. I don't think it'll help neither of us. She's hurt and angry and so am I, and so are you, and it's only going to make things worse. So maybe if I tell her I don't want to talk to her maybe she'll think about things, or maybe she won't, but at least we can't make things worse."
(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-03 02:55 pm (UTC)"I know... doesn't stop it from hurting sometimes..." He nuzzles them back, eyes closing as he sucks in a breath.
They're going to tell Lilith they don't want to speak to her? There's a stab of guilt that tries to pry his ribs apart and worm inside, but it doesn't quite land. Instead, there's another realization blooming in his chest. He's not sure he wants to talk to Lilith again either after this. She's yelled at him before, and he's deserved it before. Maybe he deserved it this time too but... every time it happens, he feels a part of himself shatter. And it takes him time to pick up the pieces. And the last few times... it's been Rowan who had to help him do it. That's not fair to either of them.
"I think maybe... I'll tell her the same. This is... " he sighs. "It's hard for me to say. I'll always care about her but... we don't get along so well sometimes. So maybe it's like you said: this way we can't make it worse."
(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-11 07:41 pm (UTC)"We'll need to tell Lucas sommat though. And I don't want to tell him what she said. Not proper." Something about what happened, because it's not fair to him otherwise but he doesn't need to know the details. The last thing they want is for him to think that it's his fault.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-11 07:50 pm (UTC)But Rowan's other question diverts his attention away from that pain now. They do need to tell Lucas what happened. But he agrees with Rowan, he doesn't want Lucas to know he was the topic of it all. That won't do him any good.
"He knows I've had fights with Lilith before. We'll tell him most of the truth, that I and she both said things we couldn't forgive and that we're giving each other space. If he asks what was said, I can be honest and tell him I'm too ashamed to talk about it." Because, well, he is.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-11 08:06 pm (UTC)"Okay. I guess that works." They sign, resting their head on his shoulder. Not being able to tell Lucas the whole truth hurts, but it's better than the alternative. "The whole thing's a fucking mess. I don't want to brush it under the carpet, not exactly, but I wish it'd go away."
(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-11 08:14 pm (UTC)"If only I was better with this... if I hadn't snapped at her maybe it could have blown over just like it has before."
(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-11 08:24 pm (UTC)"Sometimes this crap is inevitable. Don't make it pleasant, but inevitable. It's just a right pain in the arse." Gently, they poke Max's shoulder. "But not no one's fault, so don't start thinking that."
(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-12 05:29 pm (UTC)"I'll try not to. Right now it just... hurts a lot." And it's easier to be angry with himself than someone else but that's not right either. He knows that.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-16 08:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-20 09:28 pm (UTC)He presses his weight into Rowan, grateful for their comfort, hopeful that he's as much comfort for them too. It must be just as hard for them, just as painful.
"Are you going to be okay?"
(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-21 07:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-22 05:07 pm (UTC)"Want to lay down and cuddle for a little while?"
(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-23 07:08 pm (UTC)...Actually, there's one other thing they'd like. Soft fingers wiggle against his hip, pulling his shirt out enough to dip under it, stroking round to the bottom button and playing with it. "Clothes off?" They add, hopefully.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-07-24 12:45 am (UTC)Shall we end here?
Date: 2021-07-26 08:40 pm (UTC)