"There's more to it than that. I mean..." He huffs. "Lioriley. I literally don't have a choice. Because if I leave my Master, I'll be killed. Not by him, but by his enemies. He's the only thing standing between me and terrible, gruesome death. I have to do what he says if I want to keep on living."
That's why the loopholes won't apply. The doors aren't locked. Max could leave. He could walk out those doors any time. But he wouldn't last a day on his own. Erik is the only one who can save him.
Max cuddles into her a little closer, trying to convey his gratitude where words fail. "I'll... try to remember that. I'm not... I'm still not good at this. But I'll try."
"Why?" She asks a simple question she suspects has a complicated answer. "What could you have done to invoke the ire if such powerful creatures? Is it because of your master, or because of something you have done?"
"I killed his sister," Max admits darkly. "His twin sister."
He realizes that's going to take more explanation now, too, but he has to take a moment to steel himself for this story. Seeing the ghost of that very woman when he lowered his mask at the Halloween party had shaken him badly. And now the pain is fresh all over again.
"I was at a party. She came up and started flirting with me. She lured me to the basement. She started to feed on me, and I don't think she would have stopped until I was dead. But I had a torch in my backpack. I used it on her. I burned her and then I killed her.
"I didn't mean to I was just... so scared. But, then, my Master came. He saw what I had done. He said, by rights, he should kill me. That if he didn't, her allies would. They would never rest until they got their revenge. The only thing he could do was claim me. Then they wouldn't be able to touch me."
Logically, his story is clearly one of self-defense - if he hadn't defended himself he would have died right there on that basement floor. But the alternative he faced was, perhaps, far worse. He was alive and forced under the thumb of a vampire that claimed to protect him, and yet allowed so many other vampires to feed and use him as they pleased. It didn't sit well with her at all for a great many reasons, but what could she do about it? Scolding him was just cruel - it wasn't his fault. but the helplessness she felt in this moment was palpable. Immeasurable.
"You did what you had to do to survive. That is admirable, and a testament to your strength and bravery that many would not have been able to show in the face of such a plight. And I wish - I wish so desperately that I could help you. But all I can truly do is pray that you remain here - and that while you do, you come to learn of all the gifts you have been given, all of the people that care for you.
You are your own man here, Max. That may be overwhelming, and I understand, but you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. And I hope one day you see that. Because a man as kind and sweet and wonderful as you deserves every kindness in the world and so much more."
Tears are starting to sting in his eyes again but desperately tries to blink them back. So, he buries his face once more in her shoulder and holds her close.
"I-I..." he hiccups, "w-want to b-believe you're right. I just... I want to be strong. I d-don't feel strong. And I'm sorry. I g-got scared for you and I took it out on h-him. I shouldn't have done that. I really am sorry."
She wraps her arms around his neck, weaving her fingers into his hair and cooing softly in an attempt to soothe him, nose against his temple.
"I know, Max." She assures him. "You did nothing wrong. I know you were just trying to help and I cannot fault you for that - everything will be alright. I promise." She shifts back after a moment, trying to duck her head down to see his face, hands reaching up if he'll let her to brush the tears from his cheeks. "You are so precious to me, Max. And I do hate to see you like this - tell me what I can do to make you smile again."
He shakes his head in protest. No, it was wrong. He knows it was wrong. She can forgive him but he refuses to be excused.
"It was wrong. It was. I won't do it again." That's all he can do since he can't take it all back. But he swears, he won't meddle like this anymore.
"It's enough," he says, finally calming down at her soft touch to his hair, "It's enough that you don't hate me. I was scared maybe I fucked it all up too badly."
"Max..." Gods, it's like he hasn't listened to a single thing she's said to him. But she won't argue with him while he's so emotional - there's no point. Maybe they can sit down and discuss it later when the wound is not so fresh.
She frowns despite herself. "Do you truly believe I would hate you?" He must not know her well to even assume as much. "It will take a lot more than this to make me feel negatively toward you."
She loosens her grip only a little, hesitant to part from him since he is still very clearly distressed.
"...Would you like me to stay?" She asks, even if there are a thousand other things she would like to say instead. All things, she is certain, he would not care to answer or acknowledge in his current state of mind.
Would he like her to stay? Yes. Yes, he would. But he can't ask her to. He doesn't deserve that. She should be returning to Astarion. That's where she belongs.
"No..." he chokes on the word. "I should... sleep. Alone."
To say that 'no' hurt would be an understatement. The single word hit her like a fucking truck and then backed up over her for good measure. And it took everything in her to steel her expression, even if her leylines betrayed her by dimming faintly.
"Very well." She says, a plan already forming in her mind. She leaned in to kiss his forehead if he let her, then slowly slid off his lap to head for the door. "...Take care of yourself, Max. I...I will see you soon?" She hoped.
Another sob threatens to break free in his chest when he sees her literally dim at that rejection. It's almost enough to make him change his mind. But he... can't. He can't. He needs to be alone. He can't face her kindness anymore.
"Yes," he manages to croak. "I'll see you. O-okay?" He hopes so too.
He just needs some time. He needs to crawl into a corner and cry himself into a numb sleep. All of this pain is too much. He can't take it. So, as she leaves, he rolls over on the bed and curls in around himself, knees tucked as tight to his chest as he can get them. He'll stay like that, letting quiet tears drain down his face, for as long as it takes to stop feeling this.
Pushing the door open as quietly as he could Lucas peers into the room minutes later. Outside he got the basic idea of what happened and tried his best to console Lioriley before she left entirely. He'll circle back again to her after this, but for now all of his worry is focused on the man balled into himself.
The sight alone is enough to tear at his very heart, aching so profundly with the want to gather Max up in his arms. And why shouldn't he?
Quietly he slips into the room, shutting the door gently behind him. Soft noises, but he hopes it's not enough to give himself away yet before Max can tell him to go. Instead he pads over to the bed, kicking off his shoes and taking up the space at Max's back all in one fluid motion. Pressing his cheek against the man's back and angling an arm around him, Lucas finally speaks, low and calm and soothing. "Max. Talk to me."
He's in a daze, drifting somewhere halfway between awake and asleep. So, he doesn't hear Lucas' approach. He doesn't stir until he feels movement on the bed. By then, it's too late. Lucas has him surrounded, wrapped up in his warm arms. He shudders, and a lonely sob shakes his frame.
"Did Lioriley tell you what I did?" He knows it must be her that called Lucas. This is no coincidence.
For a moment all he can do is nod against Max's back, cling tighter as if he had any chance to physically keep the man from falling apart. "She told me...that you were worried about her."
Which is the truth from what Lucas gathered from Lior's disjointed explanation. It's a good starting point, a nudge, Lucas hopes, to reach into the internal turmoil Max is in right now.
"And, I mean, that's totally fair considering your own experiences, Max." he squeezes his arms tight in anticipation, knowing what kind of protests he'd have if the situation was reversed, "You're not terrible for being worried for her. Okay?"
He curls in tighter to himself, as if he could shun Lucas' comfort, undeserving of it as he is.
"I treated Astarion like... like he'd be same as Erik. But he's not. And I knew that. I should have known that." Astarion's master had done unspeakable things to him. He knew better than anyone the horrors that could be done. How could Max have even begun to insinuate he wouldn't be careful? Of course he would!
"I shouldn't get a pass for this. Lioriley says she forgives me but she shouldn't."
All the more reason for Lucas to hold Max tighter. No escape, no escape ever.
Lucas frowns to himself, hearing the self recrimination heavy in Max's tone. Laying the blame solely upon his own shoulders.
"Forgiveness isn't a pass," Lucas gently presses his forehead to the back of Max's neck, knowing that mark is there. Erik's mark and all the trauma that Max is still unpacking that goes along with it.
"Whether she forgives you or not is up to her, Max. She forgave you and she means it." He's careful to keep his voice even. "So you either accept it and start to set this right, or you don't and dig your hole even further. I mean, yes, you were trying to look out for her and it brought up things that didn't need to be, but you are...you are trying to work through things, Max. It's messy and scary and sometimes not straight-forward. You're going to make mistakes, and take a few steps back, but it's still progress. And so is accepting Lior's forgiveness and mending things with Astarion."
His shoulders are where all the blame belongs as far as Max is concerned. But he can't deny the warm comfort of his love's embrace. Despite himself, his posture loosens. --until he feels Lucas' forehead pressing directly to his brand. Suddenly, he's tight again, like a spring.
But Lucas knows what that is. Lucas knows. And accepts it as a part of him. And now... so does Lioriley. Slowly, inch by inch, Max lets himself uncurl again. He lets Lucas' words seep in past the barriers he's put up.
She's forgiven him. Her choice? So now he... he has to accept that or he'll make things even worse?
"I want to make it right," he croaks, just barely holding back a sob. "I never wanted to... Lucas I... I don't what to do now. I don't know where to go from here. I'm so lost. I feel so lost." The world is spinning all around him, faster and faster.
Lucas takes a low, careful breath. He needs to be the rock for Max to cling to, but it hurts as he feels the man draw in on himself even if it doesn't last.
"First, I need you to take a few breathes, okay? Nice and calm. You're too wound up to think straight and that's not fair to you or Lioriley." Lucas takes an exaggerated breath. "With me?"
Even if Max takes his own rhythm for it, Lucas still silently encourages him, gently kissing his back just below that horrible mark. One baby step at a time, Max could get through this.
Max takes a long breath in, following along with Lucas setting the pace. This helps, less because of the breathing and more because he has someone leading him in it.
The first few breaths are shaky, still quivering with pain. But as it continues, and as Lucas presses kiss to him, he calms. And the buzzing in his mind begins to quiet.
"What next?" He asks. There's an odd eagerness in his voice as if he's desperate for Lucas to give him more guidance... or an order.
For a few moments Lucas has to remind himself to breath. That tone in Max's voice is strange, unsettling even, until he takes these few moments to consider it. In the lens of Max's past, of that horrible year he barely remembers, the moment he broke, and the years since then living as Erik's Pet, it all comes together in a horrible moment of realization.
An order.
His gut twists. Lucas wants so desperately for Max's own sake for him to make his own decisions, and he has been making progress, but it's only been a little shy of half a year since they both arrived in the city. Not nearly enough time to completely undo damaged that reaches so deep it's buried itself in the core of Max's soul. This is simply...too much.
Swallowing thickly Lucas presses on. He can think, and fall apart, later. Max needs him now.
"You're doing good," He praises, another kiss to follow. "You're still tense, so we're going to relax all of these tense muscles next. Okay? Focus on your toes first."
Slowly Lucas walks Max through relaxing everything from his toes up, while frantically rattling his brain for what to tell the man next.
The praise warms him. So does the kiss. On Lucas' cue, he begins to do as he's told, attempting to relax his muscles one-by-one starting at the toes.
Lucas will feel his body loosen as they go, and once they've reached his chest and arms, Max's breathing is steady and deep. It's working. The anxiety is receding.
"I'm so tired," he says. He stayed up fretting all night. "I want to just... sleep for a while?" If Lucas tells him to do it, he's sure he'll be able to now.
"Almost, Max. You're doing so good." Lucas manages to say while his stomach ties in knots. He hates this realization and the darker implications that spiderweb out from it. If this helps Max move forward and slowly shake off the shackles of being a Pet, then he'll swallow down how much it makes his heart ache without protest.
"Just one more thing and then you can sleep." He promises with another kiss. Focus on Max. Lucas takes a quiet breath to steady himself. "I need you to accept Lior's forgiveness. And I know! I know. It's not easy and that you don't believe you deserve it. But accept it and talk to her. Soon. Alright?"
Max nods his head in reaction to more praise. Good. He's doing good. He's doing better. The world is stable beneath him once more. His place in it feels solid. There's just that one thing...
Accept Lioriley's forgiveness.
Another tremor runs through him. He tenses one last time. But it's still an order. It's what he must do. So, he nods again.
"I will," he promises. "I... do. I'll call her."
With that promise cast in stone, he closes his eyes and lets out another long shuddering breath. Lucas said he could sleep after that one last thing. He longs to let that blissful nothingness take him for a while. He's reached the point of exhaustion now where he doesn't think he can resist it anymore. He's slipping already.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-07 03:35 am (UTC)That's why the loopholes won't apply. The doors aren't locked. Max could leave. He could walk out those doors any time. But he wouldn't last a day on his own. Erik is the only one who can save him.
Max cuddles into her a little closer, trying to convey his gratitude where words fail. "I'll... try to remember that. I'm not... I'm still not good at this. But I'll try."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-07 03:49 am (UTC)cw: death/gore/burning
Date: 2020-12-07 07:01 pm (UTC)He realizes that's going to take more explanation now, too, but he has to take a moment to steel himself for this story. Seeing the ghost of that very woman when he lowered his mask at the Halloween party had shaken him badly. And now the pain is fresh all over again.
"I was at a party. She came up and started flirting with me. She lured me to the basement. She started to feed on me, and I don't think she would have stopped until I was dead. But I had a torch in my backpack. I used it on her. I burned her and then I killed her.
"I didn't mean to I was just... so scared. But, then, my Master came. He saw what I had done. He said, by rights, he should kill me. That if he didn't, her allies would. They would never rest until they got their revenge. The only thing he could do was claim me. Then they wouldn't be able to touch me."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-07 07:24 pm (UTC)Logically, his story is clearly one of self-defense - if he hadn't defended himself he would have died right there on that basement floor. But the alternative he faced was, perhaps, far worse. He was alive and forced under the thumb of a vampire that claimed to protect him, and yet allowed so many other vampires to feed and use him as they pleased. It didn't sit well with her at all for a great many reasons, but what could she do about it? Scolding him was just cruel - it wasn't his fault. but the helplessness she felt in this moment was palpable. Immeasurable.
"You did what you had to do to survive. That is admirable, and a testament to your strength and bravery that many would not have been able to show in the face of such a plight. And I wish - I wish so desperately that I could help you. But all I can truly do is pray that you remain here - and that while you do, you come to learn of all the gifts you have been given, all of the people that care for you.
You are your own man here, Max. That may be overwhelming, and I understand, but you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. And I hope one day you see that. Because a man as kind and sweet and wonderful as you deserves every kindness in the world and so much more."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-08 09:38 pm (UTC)"I-I..." he hiccups, "w-want to b-believe you're right. I just... I want to be strong. I d-don't feel strong. And I'm sorry. I g-got scared for you and I took it out on h-him. I shouldn't have done that. I really am sorry."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-08 09:52 pm (UTC)"I know, Max." She assures him. "You did nothing wrong. I know you were just trying to help and I cannot fault you for that - everything will be alright. I promise." She shifts back after a moment, trying to duck her head down to see his face, hands reaching up if he'll let her to brush the tears from his cheeks. "You are so precious to me, Max. And I do hate to see you like this - tell me what I can do to make you smile again."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-08 10:03 pm (UTC)"It was wrong. It was. I won't do it again." That's all he can do since he can't take it all back. But he swears, he won't meddle like this anymore.
"It's enough," he says, finally calming down at her soft touch to his hair, "It's enough that you don't hate me. I was scared maybe I fucked it all up too badly."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-08 10:07 pm (UTC)She frowns despite herself. "Do you truly believe I would hate you?" He must not know her well to even assume as much. "It will take a lot more than this to make me feel negatively toward you."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-09 05:04 am (UTC)"Sorry, I'm such a mess. I should... I should just..." He tries to break away from her but she's still on his lap. "I'm so tired."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-09 05:15 am (UTC)"...Would you like me to stay?" She asks, even if there are a thousand other things she would like to say instead. All things, she is certain, he would not care to answer or acknowledge in his current state of mind.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-09 01:05 pm (UTC)"No..." he chokes on the word. "I should... sleep. Alone."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-09 01:10 pm (UTC)"Very well." She says, a plan already forming in her mind. She leaned in to kiss his forehead if he let her, then slowly slid off his lap to head for the door. "...Take care of yourself, Max. I...I will see you soon?" She hoped.
i hurt myself :]
Date: 2020-12-09 03:29 pm (UTC)"Yes," he manages to croak. "I'll see you. O-okay?" He hopes so too.
He just needs some time. He needs to crawl into a corner and cry himself into a numb sleep. All of this pain is too much. He can't take it. So, as she leaves, he rolls over on the bed and curls in around himself, knees tucked as tight to his chest as he can get them. He'll stay like that, letting quiet tears drain down his face, for as long as it takes to stop feeling this.
a new challenger approaches
Date: 2020-12-09 05:31 pm (UTC)The sight alone is enough to tear at his very heart, aching so profundly with the want to gather Max up in his arms. And why shouldn't he?
Quietly he slips into the room, shutting the door gently behind him. Soft noises, but he hopes it's not enough to give himself away yet before Max can tell him to go. Instead he pads over to the bed, kicking off his shoes and taking up the space at Max's back all in one fluid motion. Pressing his cheek against the man's back and angling an arm around him, Lucas finally speaks, low and calm and soothing. "Max. Talk to me."
Dun dun dun
Date: 2020-12-09 06:24 pm (UTC)"Did Lioriley tell you what I did?" He knows it must be her that called Lucas. This is no coincidence.
"Did she tell you?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-10 03:31 am (UTC)Which is the truth from what Lucas gathered from Lior's disjointed explanation. It's a good starting point, a nudge, Lucas hopes, to reach into the internal turmoil Max is in right now.
"And, I mean, that's totally fair considering your own experiences, Max." he squeezes his arms tight in anticipation, knowing what kind of protests he'd have if the situation was reversed, "You're not terrible for being worried for her. Okay?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-10 10:34 pm (UTC)He curls in tighter to himself, as if he could shun Lucas' comfort, undeserving of it as he is.
"I treated Astarion like... like he'd be same as Erik. But he's not. And I knew that. I should have known that." Astarion's master had done unspeakable things to him. He knew better than anyone the horrors that could be done. How could Max have even begun to insinuate he wouldn't be careful? Of course he would!
"I shouldn't get a pass for this. Lioriley says she forgives me but she shouldn't."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-12 04:55 pm (UTC)Lucas frowns to himself, hearing the self recrimination heavy in Max's tone. Laying the blame solely upon his own shoulders.
"Forgiveness isn't a pass," Lucas gently presses his forehead to the back of Max's neck, knowing that mark is there. Erik's mark and all the trauma that Max is still unpacking that goes along with it.
"Whether she forgives you or not is up to her, Max. She forgave you and she means it." He's careful to keep his voice even. "So you either accept it and start to set this right, or you don't and dig your hole even further. I mean, yes, you were trying to look out for her and it brought up things that didn't need to be, but you are...you are trying to work through things, Max. It's messy and scary and sometimes not straight-forward. You're going to make mistakes, and take a few steps back, but it's still progress. And so is accepting Lior's forgiveness and mending things with Astarion."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-13 02:18 am (UTC)But Lucas knows what that is. Lucas knows. And accepts it as a part of him. And now... so does Lioriley. Slowly, inch by inch, Max lets himself uncurl again. He lets Lucas' words seep in past the barriers he's put up.
She's forgiven him. Her choice? So now he... he has to accept that or he'll make things even worse?
"I want to make it right," he croaks, just barely holding back a sob. "I never wanted to... Lucas I... I don't what to do now. I don't know where to go from here. I'm so lost. I feel so lost." The world is spinning all around him, faster and faster.
"What do I do? Tell me? What do I do?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-13 03:07 am (UTC)"First, I need you to take a few breathes, okay? Nice and calm. You're too wound up to think straight and that's not fair to you or Lioriley." Lucas takes an exaggerated breath. "With me?"
Even if Max takes his own rhythm for it, Lucas still silently encourages him, gently kissing his back just below that horrible mark. One baby step at a time, Max could get through this.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-13 03:54 am (UTC)Max takes a long breath in, following along with Lucas setting the pace. This helps, less because of the breathing and more because he has someone leading him in it.
The first few breaths are shaky, still quivering with pain. But as it continues, and as Lucas presses kiss to him, he calms. And the buzzing in his mind begins to quiet.
"What next?" He asks. There's an odd eagerness in his voice as if he's desperate for Lucas to give him more guidance... or an order.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-13 04:11 am (UTC)An order.
His gut twists. Lucas wants so desperately for Max's own sake for him to make his own decisions, and he has been making progress, but it's only been a little shy of half a year since they both arrived in the city. Not nearly enough time to completely undo damaged that reaches so deep it's buried itself in the core of Max's soul. This is simply...too much.
Swallowing thickly Lucas presses on. He can think, and fall apart, later. Max needs him now.
"You're doing good," He praises, another kiss to follow. "You're still tense, so we're going to relax all of these tense muscles next. Okay? Focus on your toes first."
Slowly Lucas walks Max through relaxing everything from his toes up, while frantically rattling his brain for what to tell the man next.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-16 05:48 am (UTC)Lucas will feel his body loosen as they go, and once they've reached his chest and arms, Max's breathing is steady and deep. It's working. The anxiety is receding.
"I'm so tired," he says. He stayed up fretting all night. "I want to just... sleep for a while?" If Lucas tells him to do it, he's sure he'll be able to now.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-12-16 02:08 pm (UTC)"Just one more thing and then you can sleep." He promises with another kiss. Focus on Max. Lucas takes a quiet breath to steady himself. "I need you to accept Lior's forgiveness. And I know! I know. It's not easy and that you don't believe you deserve it. But accept it and talk to her. Soon. Alright?"
this looks good to wrap up
Date: 2020-12-16 04:39 pm (UTC)Accept Lioriley's forgiveness.
Another tremor runs through him. He tenses one last time. But it's still an order. It's what he must do. So, he nods again.
"I will," he promises. "I... do. I'll call her."
With that promise cast in stone, he closes his eyes and lets out another long shuddering breath. Lucas said he could sleep after that one last thing. He longs to let that blissful nothingness take him for a while. He's reached the point of exhaustion now where he doesn't think he can resist it anymore. He's slipping already.
And good to call done, enjoy the feels
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