"Okay. Yeah. Okay." He'll keep Lucas' hand firmly squeezed in his the entire way to the bed. When he sits, he draws one leg up to hug against his chest.
"So." He blows out a breath. "You remember that list Jester painted on my back as a joke? Well, Jackie didn't think it was funny."
Actually, Jackie was furious. Max almost worried the vampire might do something to the trickster about it. Thankfully, Max talked him down.
"I tried to tell him it wasn't a big deal but... well... Jackie knows...what I am." Max rubs at the back of his neck. At that stark reminder of his subservient status. "He pointed out that, because of it, I'm not really the best at...setting boundaries for myself."
Max looks at Lucas, trying to gauge how the Medium is taking all of this so far.
Lucas perches himself next to Max, both feet pulled up to lay his arms across. Not hugging his legs to himself yet, but he could. It kept him from worrying his hands together.
"Yeah," A slight frown at the memory of the list. Max had brushed it off at the time but now? Should he have pushed more? But Jackie was on the case. Someone who, it seems, can better look out for the man. Ignoring how that makes his chest ache Lucas bobs his head in a nod.
"I'm sorry for not--" Lucas stops himself short, wondering with a sudden spike of dread if he'd ever crossed any of these unseen lines. He hopes not. God, he hopes not or he'll never forgive himself. Shaking his head, he presses on. It's not about him, this is about Max. "And is...he right about that? The boundary thing?"
"No!" Max bursts out suddenly, reaching for Lucas' hand. He can tell what the Medium is thinking. He couldn't bear it if Lucas blamed himself for any of this. "You don't have a thing to be sorry for."
He wants to look away in shame while he answers this, but he keeps his eyes on Lucas, searching him for any sign that this might be the final dealbreaker.
"Yes. He is. But, I didn't realize it. I had no idea. I thought I was... I thought it was okay to just keep going like I was. I wanted to make everyone else happy so much, sometimes I'd agree to something I wasn't fully into just because I liked the idea of them liking it. You know?"
Like the gags. He'd almost done that with Lucas. If the Medium had been less in-tune to Max's emotions, they might have. And even now, Max can't say he would have been sorry for it. Which is why... he needs those cards.
"It took someone who's more familiar with this stuff to point it out. So that's why..." Max reaches for the box and opens it. He lifts out one of the cards, yes side up, and hands it to Lucas. "He had these made for me."
Startling at Max's outburst all of Lucas's focus snaps to the man, eyes slightly wide. A shade of the same shame from the other day resurfacing, clashing with a settling look of understanding. Wasn't it the same with him throwing himself into 'work'? Without their usual fall backs they were both floundering in their own ways.
Lucas holds Max's gaze, and holds his breath, taking the card.
"Biting, yeah, toys..." Okay that one does get a fond sort of smile. As his eyes skim each line he quiets mouths some of these, nodding for some until he gets to the ropes. He swallows thickly, and moves on, flipping the card over.
"Oof yeah, feet." His nose wrinkles at that, "Degradation...collars...Hm."
Flicking the card against his fingers Lucas looks back up to Max, "Honestly? It's...not a half bad idea? Like I'm sure it's awkward as fuck, but I was just talking to Rowan about this, actually. Talk about timing?"
"You have no idea how akward..." Max says miserably. "I don't know how I'm going to be able to do it with a straight face. I'm considering becoming a monk just so I'll never have to." That sounds like a joke, but Max might be slightly serious about it.
"By the way, you and Rowan are exceptions to the no collar rule." God, now he's going to have to explain that too, isn't he? "Because... that one isn't actually a hard no as much as an...unknown. Jackie made me promise to only do it with people I trust and, well, you're it."
He sighs heavily. "Oh yeah, and there's one other thing too..." Is it too late to enter a monastery for life?
"Wait, a monk?" Lucas tries his damnedest not to sound a little sad about that. He gets it but, damn it, he craves the way their bodies fit together, too.
"Oh, I'm...I'd be glad to help you figure that out," His face goes a little red, even if he has no idea how, it's for Max. He's going to help!
But, this all seemed to be...a lot. At once. Poor Max is really getting thrown into the deep end, but the way he says that makes the hair on the back of Lucas's neck prick up.
"I know, I know." Max covers his face with his hands. He doesn't want to do that either. BUT!
"Jackie gave me an assignment. I'm supposed to...journal about every sexual encounter I have. You know, write down what I did and what I liked or didn't like. And he wants me to report back to him with it in two months."
Two whole months... god only knows what they could potentially get up to in that time.
"Wait, what!?" On the one hand the card thing isn't really a terrible idea, but this? "You...he...what the fuck, Jackie."
Seriously.
For a long moment Lucas just turns the card over his hands a few times. Two months is damn long time. He wants to learn all these new things with Max, together. It's not like they won't spend time together outside of a bed, but that's a part of what they have now. Lucas doesn't want to lose that, too.
So if Jackie has to read this later, he'll just have to deal with knowing that.
"I don't mind if you write about us." He looks aside to Max, making sure to catch the man's gaze.
Max is holding his breath, waiting for Lucas to tell him what he expects to hear...that they can't be together if it's like that. He's so shocked his jaw drops open.
"You... you don't?" No. That can't be right. Lucas has to be... "Because I mind. I mind a lot. I don't want you to..." He huffs out a breath.
"Look, Rowan isn't happy about it either. They are going to talk to Jackie, so maybe he'll... relax it a little. So, we could just hold off for a little while..." As much as the idea kills him.
"I do mind," Lucas shrugs, "But whatever you want to do is what I'm going to go with."
Max seems set on this path, though. Lucas shuts his mouth, jaw clenching. If it's the only way to be with Max then he wants to, even with the damn journal. But he's not going to push, because he's already fucked this up enough.
"Yeah, we could do that." The smile never reaches his eyes. "Maybe I can teach you how to make lebkuchen?"
"No. If you mind then... we're not doing it. That's how... that's how this all started." Because Max said those same things. He said he'd go along with things he'd mind, and that was wrong. That's the lesson, right?
Lucas' smile with no eyes pierces his heart. He can see what pain he's caused. But, he can't see the way out.
He takes the Medium's hand. "Lucas, I want to be with you. I want to share everything with you. But, if I'm going to become a person who can give you everything, I need to figure this out... I need some time." He squeezes in a way he hopes is reassuring.
Then he asks, in the lightest tone he can manage, "What are...lebkuchen?"
He minds because it's Jackie, but somehow Lucas manages to keep his mouth shut on that one. Whatever the hell is going on he has to trust Max to tell him, in time.
Hopefully.
"I don't mean to make this harder on you," He says instead, letting the moment pass him by, but squeezing with every ounce of sincerity he can into his hold around Max. It's just as plain to him that he's causing the man to hurt, too. "You know where to find me, if you need anything."
Taking a breath, he soldiers on. "It's like fluffy gingerbread. Might be fun to bake together sometime soon?"
"I know. I do, and I will." He squeezes back, almost until it hurts. "I'll try not to take too long. I'm sorry..."
With a sigh, he lets the rest of that conversation drop. He can't... he can't just make it all better. No matter how much he wants to. But, that doesn't mean he wants Lucas to leave him alone completely. So, he latches on to the lebkuchen as a means to keep Lucas there.
"There's nothing I'd love more than to bake something with you right now. You say they're like gingerbread? That's... just in time for the season, isn't it?"
"No, no sorry," Lucas shakes his head. It doesn't matter that Max's grip is almost painful, he's not letting go. "You know where to find me, but...I'll drop by, too. If that's okay."
Give Max time to figure this out, or at least part of it. But, like Rowan said, not enough that Max gets lost in his own emotions.
"Yeah," He manages a smile, "It's kind of a winter treat from Germany. And, I'd love to bake it with you. Mom makes them for me so---" His voice cracks a little. "Sometimes."
"I will, I promise. You'll want me to go away by the end of this," Lucas manages to grin despite feeling like his chest is cracking in two.
If nothing else, he considers Max one of his closest friends here. He's not losing that, too.
"I wish I could show you, I'm thinking about asking my Patron about it actually. Share memories. But," His smile grows fond, "She's all of five foot two, but still tall enough to bend my ear when I'm being stupid." That gets a small laugh, "She'd love you. She cooks but I think she'd like to have someone better than me to boss around."
"I promise you, I'll never want that," he murmurs.
Max's smile is genuine but slightly melancholy. He never had a mom to cook with. Or do anything with. She left before he was old enough to remember her. But, oh! To meet Lucas' mother --wouldn't that be something?
"You can do that too? Show your memories to other people?" He sounds enchanted by the idea. Lucas really could show Max his mother?
"I'd... I'd really love if I could meet her. Or, maybe even just feel like I've met her. If you had that power back could you..." his breath catches in his lungs suddenly. "...Could you show me old memories of my dad... or sister?"
Lucas can only smile at Max's quiet comment. At least they still have this, but now he wishes he could really show Max his Mom. He misses her so much, even if he's properly moved out and on his own back home, there's nothing like picking up the phone for some Mom advice.
"Well, I can't do it yet, but the more I experience, the older I get, the more these abilities sort of expand out. So I could learn it there some day, but why not try here?" Now his face lifts, latching onto the idea even more. "I want you to meet her, even if it's just from here."
And he taps his head, before his expression fully lights up, "Yeah! I can show you those memories again, and...I could see them too. I'd really like that!"
"I think it would be wonderful if you learned that."
Wow, a Medium is always learning and expanding? Just imagine the kind of force Lucas could be to reckon with in ten more years -- even five more years?
"You would?" He brightens. "Is that... something you can do right now?"
"I could see them," Some of the excitement dims a little, "But I couldn't share it back with you. Not yet."
Now the flicker of the idea he started with Edgar is a full-fledged flame, burning with the desire of helping those he cares for. If it helps, even for a few minutes, to relive those precious memories, it's worth asking his Patron for.
"But I will." A promise. "But if you want...I can do a reading now, and tell you? Or we can wait. I'm okay, either way."
"Can you... tell me how it works? I'd love for you to have a memory of mine that isn't..." the worst night of his life, "you know, so terrible. But, I'd also like to understand what you do, or... how it should work. When it goes right."
Lucas nods his head a few times. "Well, there's two types, really. Places and objects have memories, usually points of time of emotional turmoil, but everything leaves some kind of impression. For those, when I'm looking back, it's kind of like rewinding a VHS tape? I can jump back but it helps when I have a general idea of when I'm looking for...and I'm just there watching, like a movie playing out around me."
He takes a breath, thinking along the same lines as Max. Having that painful memory helps him understand the man better, so for that reason alone he's not sorry for it. Only the circumstances around finding out.
"For people, if you want me to try and find something specific, it's easier if you picture your Dad or your sister. Everything else slips me by when I have a narrower target," A sigh, "By accident, it's no wonder I picked up on...that. Traumatic events are what this ability is used for the best. It helps me for the cold cases I handle, for example."
"Wow," Max says awed by that. Imagine, actually seeing the past happening all around you?
That second method however. "You readings of people sounds... intense. So, when you do this for your job you have to watch stuff like... that... a lot?" Is it always traumatic things? How can Lucas stand it?
"When you do it on people is it like watching a movie still?"
"Yeah," His reply is quiet, gaze drifting to an indistinct spot on the floor. "Normally, it's..."
Lucas breathes out a long sigh, shoulders sagging. "I see it like you would see it, like I was you. Most of the time," His voice quiets. "It's their last moments."
For a brief moment eyes close, before they open, trained on Max. "If it can bring closure, I'll do it a thousand times over."
Max's breath catches in his chest. Lucas' didn't just see his worst moment? He...lived it. And he does that for people's deaths. All the time?
Max can't think of anything to say, so he wraps Lucas up in his arms instead, and holds him to tight.
Then, finally, the words do come. "You are the most selfless goddamn person I've ever met. People all like to say they'd die for someone, but you really do it. Over and over again, don't you?"
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-12 04:37 am (UTC)"So." He blows out a breath. "You remember that list Jester painted on my back as a joke? Well, Jackie didn't think it was funny."
Actually, Jackie was furious. Max almost worried the vampire might do something to the trickster about it. Thankfully, Max talked him down.
"I tried to tell him it wasn't a big deal but... well... Jackie knows...what I am." Max rubs at the back of his neck. At that stark reminder of his subservient status. "He pointed out that, because of it, I'm not really the best at...setting boundaries for myself."
Max looks at Lucas, trying to gauge how the Medium is taking all of this so far.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-12 11:52 am (UTC)"Yeah," A slight frown at the memory of the list. Max had brushed it off at the time but now? Should he have pushed more? But Jackie was on the case. Someone who, it seems, can better look out for the man. Ignoring how that makes his chest ache Lucas bobs his head in a nod.
"I'm sorry for not--" Lucas stops himself short, wondering with a sudden spike of dread if he'd ever crossed any of these unseen lines. He hopes not. God, he hopes not or he'll never forgive himself. Shaking his head, he presses on. It's not about him, this is about Max. "And is...he right about that? The boundary thing?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-12 10:06 pm (UTC)He wants to look away in shame while he answers this, but he keeps his eyes on Lucas, searching him for any sign that this might be the final dealbreaker.
"Yes. He is. But, I didn't realize it. I had no idea. I thought I was... I thought it was okay to just keep going like I was. I wanted to make everyone else happy so much, sometimes I'd agree to something I wasn't fully into just because I liked the idea of them liking it. You know?"
Like the gags. He'd almost done that with Lucas. If the Medium had been less in-tune to Max's emotions, they might have. And even now, Max can't say he would have been sorry for it. Which is why... he needs those cards.
"It took someone who's more familiar with this stuff to point it out. So that's why..." Max reaches for the box and opens it. He lifts out one of the cards, yes side up, and hands it to Lucas. "He had these made for me."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-13 04:08 am (UTC)Lucas holds Max's gaze, and holds his breath, taking the card.
"Biting, yeah, toys..." Okay that one does get a fond sort of smile. As his eyes skim each line he quiets mouths some of these, nodding for some until he gets to the ropes. He swallows thickly, and moves on, flipping the card over.
"Oof yeah, feet." His nose wrinkles at that, "Degradation...collars...Hm."
Flicking the card against his fingers Lucas looks back up to Max, "Honestly? It's...not a half bad idea? Like I'm sure it's awkward as fuck, but I was just talking to Rowan about this, actually. Talk about timing?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-13 08:23 pm (UTC)"By the way, you and Rowan are exceptions to the no collar rule." God, now he's going to have to explain that too, isn't he? "Because... that one isn't actually a hard no as much as an...unknown. Jackie made me promise to only do it with people I trust and, well, you're it."
He sighs heavily. "Oh yeah, and there's one other thing too..." Is it too late to enter a monastery for life?
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-13 08:45 pm (UTC)"Oh, I'm...I'd be glad to help you figure that out," His face goes a little red, even if he has no idea how, it's for Max. He's going to help!
But, this all seemed to be...a lot. At once. Poor Max is really getting thrown into the deep end, but the way he says that makes the hair on the back of Lucas's neck prick up.
"What's the other thing?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-13 09:01 pm (UTC)"Jackie gave me an assignment. I'm supposed to...journal about every sexual encounter I have. You know, write down what I did and what I liked or didn't like. And he wants me to report back to him with it in two months."
Two whole months... god only knows what they could potentially get up to in that time.
"So, you see my problem!"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-13 09:09 pm (UTC)Seriously.
For a long moment Lucas just turns the card over his hands a few times. Two months is damn long time. He wants to learn all these new things with Max, together. It's not like they won't spend time together outside of a bed, but that's a part of what they have now. Lucas doesn't want to lose that, too.
So if Jackie has to read this later, he'll just have to deal with knowing that.
"I don't mind if you write about us." He looks aside to Max, making sure to catch the man's gaze.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-13 10:46 pm (UTC)"You... you don't?" No. That can't be right. Lucas has to be... "Because I mind. I mind a lot. I don't want you to..." He huffs out a breath.
"Look, Rowan isn't happy about it either. They are going to talk to Jackie, so maybe he'll... relax it a little. So, we could just hold off for a little while..." As much as the idea kills him.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-13 10:58 pm (UTC)Max seems set on this path, though. Lucas shuts his mouth, jaw clenching. If it's the only way to be with Max then he wants to, even with the damn journal. But he's not going to push, because he's already fucked this up enough.
"Yeah, we could do that." The smile never reaches his eyes. "Maybe I can teach you how to make lebkuchen?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-15 01:19 am (UTC)Lucas' smile with no eyes pierces his heart. He can see what pain he's caused. But, he can't see the way out.
He takes the Medium's hand. "Lucas, I want to be with you. I want to share everything with you. But, if I'm going to become a person who can give you everything, I need to figure this out... I need some time." He squeezes in a way he hopes is reassuring.
Then he asks, in the lightest tone he can manage, "What are...lebkuchen?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-15 01:44 am (UTC)Hopefully.
"I don't mean to make this harder on you," He says instead, letting the moment pass him by, but squeezing with every ounce of sincerity he can into his hold around Max. It's just as plain to him that he's causing the man to hurt, too. "You know where to find me, if you need anything."
Taking a breath, he soldiers on. "It's like fluffy gingerbread. Might be fun to bake together sometime soon?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-15 03:00 pm (UTC)With a sigh, he lets the rest of that conversation drop. He can't... he can't just make it all better. No matter how much he wants to. But, that doesn't mean he wants Lucas to leave him alone completely. So, he latches on to the lebkuchen as a means to keep Lucas there.
"There's nothing I'd love more than to bake something with you right now. You say they're like gingerbread? That's... just in time for the season, isn't it?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-16 01:24 am (UTC)Give Max time to figure this out, or at least part of it. But, like Rowan said, not enough that Max gets lost in his own emotions.
"Yeah," He manages a smile, "It's kind of a winter treat from Germany. And, I'd love to bake it with you. Mom makes them for me so---" His voice cracks a little. "Sometimes."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-17 01:52 am (UTC)He doesn't want to break off everything. He's just too confused about the sex side right now.
"Oh yeah? Your mom? Would you... tell me about her?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-17 02:45 am (UTC)If nothing else, he considers Max one of his closest friends here. He's not losing that, too.
"I wish I could show you, I'm thinking about asking my Patron about it actually. Share memories. But," His smile grows fond, "She's all of five foot two, but still tall enough to bend my ear when I'm being stupid." That gets a small laugh, "She'd love you. She cooks but I think she'd like to have someone better than me to boss around."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-17 07:46 pm (UTC)Max's smile is genuine but slightly melancholy. He never had a mom to cook with. Or do anything with. She left before he was old enough to remember her. But, oh! To meet Lucas' mother --wouldn't that be something?
"You can do that too? Show your memories to other people?" He sounds enchanted by the idea. Lucas really could show Max his mother?
"I'd... I'd really love if I could meet her. Or, maybe even just feel like I've met her. If you had that power back could you..." his breath catches in his lungs suddenly. "...Could you show me old memories of my dad... or sister?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-18 03:48 am (UTC)"Well, I can't do it yet, but the more I experience, the older I get, the more these abilities sort of expand out. So I could learn it there some day, but why not try here?" Now his face lifts, latching onto the idea even more. "I want you to meet her, even if it's just from here."
And he taps his head, before his expression fully lights up, "Yeah! I can show you those memories again, and...I could see them too. I'd really like that!"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-18 03:49 pm (UTC)Wow, a Medium is always learning and expanding? Just imagine the kind of force Lucas could be to reckon with in ten more years -- even five more years?
"You would?" He brightens. "Is that... something you can do right now?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-18 07:15 pm (UTC)Now the flicker of the idea he started with Edgar is a full-fledged flame, burning with the desire of helping those he cares for. If it helps, even for a few minutes, to relive those precious memories, it's worth asking his Patron for.
"But I will." A promise. "But if you want...I can do a reading now, and tell you? Or we can wait. I'm okay, either way."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-19 03:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-19 04:46 pm (UTC)He takes a breath, thinking along the same lines as Max. Having that painful memory helps him understand the man better, so for that reason alone he's not sorry for it. Only the circumstances around finding out.
"For people, if you want me to try and find something specific, it's easier if you picture your Dad or your sister. Everything else slips me by when I have a narrower target," A sigh, "By accident, it's no wonder I picked up on...that. Traumatic events are what this ability is used for the best. It helps me for the cold cases I handle, for example."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-20 11:02 pm (UTC)That second method however. "You readings of people sounds... intense. So, when you do this for your job you have to watch stuff like... that... a lot?" Is it always traumatic things? How can Lucas stand it?
"When you do it on people is it like watching a movie still?"
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-21 01:20 am (UTC)Lucas breathes out a long sigh, shoulders sagging. "I see it like you would see it, like I was you. Most of the time," His voice quiets. "It's their last moments."
For a brief moment eyes close, before they open, trained on Max. "If it can bring closure, I'll do it a thousand times over."
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-21 01:41 pm (UTC)Max's breath catches in his chest. Lucas' didn't just see his worst moment? He...lived it. And he does that for people's deaths. All the time?
Max can't think of anything to say, so he wraps Lucas up in his arms instead, and holds him to tight.
Then, finally, the words do come. "You are the most selfless goddamn person I've ever met. People all like to say they'd die for someone, but you really do it. Over and over again, don't you?"
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From:getting close to wrapping this one too maybe?
From:Yeah good to wind down!
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