[It was weird, even to Ren that she had called Max first rather than the pack about this stuff. Silent wouldn't have gotten it. But Rowan may have.]
I trust Max not to bullshit me. He tells me when I'm wrong even if I don't want to hear it.
[Ren's expression darkens as Rowan owns up to knowing about the Lexa situation. Max might feel the atmosphere in the room shift from uncomfortable to tense as Ren's rage starts to creep up. How many people had Lexa told about her personal struggles?
She struggles for a reply.]
I didn't want to hurt her. I just...didn't realise things were that different here.
[Max does feel the shift. So he moves in a little closer to Ren, and his hand squeezes her a little tighter again.]
Ren, keep in mind other people need to vent too. Just like you did. And this just makes it even better that we're all getting on the same page now. Right?
[It's flattering as hell to hear Ren appreciates his no-nonsense approach. And since she does, he's going to keep the trend going.]
It's going to be okay. Sometimes we hurt people we care about without meaning to, and that's part of life. We have to own up to it when it happens, and make it right. That's what you're going to do.
[Rowan could quite happily proclaim Max's merits all day, and they think that he's a perfect person to go to, if it wasn't for the fact that they don't want him burdened with everything. Still, he seems to be doing a good job with Ren, and they're both proud and pleased to see him shift in closer to her, protectively.]
That's what I told her. That things are different back home. I know you didn't mean to hurt her, and I think I got that across. [She was pretty drunk at the time.]
Look, this is weird when I'm just down the corridor. Can I come over? It's nicer to talk in person.
[It was more the point that Ren have been very specific about not wanting Rowan or Silent to know. But, she didn't know what had led to it. With Max shifting in, it draws her attention away from what could have been an unfortunate spike of anger.]
Yeah. You can.
The place is a shit-tip though.
[Ren has been too busy having a Turmoil to tidy up and it's showing.]
[Max is relieved to feel Ren settle a little, but he still suspects having Rowan here physically might be a big help. If Ren does lose her temper Max doesn't have much hope of stopping her.]
Eh, it can’t be worse than my brothers’ room. [They shrug and give a grin.] I’ll be there in a minute.
[And it really doesn’t take much longer than that, since she’s just down the corridor. They knock on the door for politeness’ sake, before pushing it open and coming in, coming it up again behind them. They flash a fond smile at Max, before focusing on the younger Garou, flopping down on her other side and resting their weight against her in the same way they would if they were in lupus.]
So what’s the biggest problem right now? What’s the one that’s bothering you the most? [Because that’s where they’ll start unpicking this all from. And while they think they know where the root of the issue lies, they want to hear from Ren what she thinks.]
[Ren doesn't meet Rowan's eye when they come in, thick in the 'I Know I've Done A Bad Thing You Don't Need To Tell Me' pre-emptive shame display that she usually used to avoid trouble. But the way that Rowan rests against her is reassuring and Ren leans against them. They don't seem mad. So. That's confusing. She should be getting told off.
She considered the question. What was the part of this that was causing her the most ache?]
I don't...[Her answer is slow as she thinks about how to phrase this.] I don't know how to have what I want and still be a good Fionn. I have to be a good Fionn. I have to be the best. Heroes, the proper ones, resist what they want 'cos it's what they have to do. I should be concentrating on gettin' back home not twisting myself in knots over some lass.
And everyone keeps sayin' that it don't matter what happens here, but my Aunt said the spirits know everythin' we do. The Fianna and the Fair Folk are friends of old, every Fionn gets taught that when we're trained. We made them or they made us or-- I don't know, I'm not a fucking Bard. But...how can we even trust that what happens here won't get home? Just 'cos we can't see them, don't mean the spirits ain't watching.
And then--
I don't even know if that's what's botherin' me, 'cos I don't like what I said to her. That was a shitey thing to say and I don't like that-- She's the only person who isn't afraid of me. Everyone's always afraid of me other than Garou. I just...I just want to not--
[Ren growls in frustration as she struggles to express herself.]
[This is the second time he's seen this particular behavior, of a wolf leaning into someone like that. Milla did it to him, too. So, okay, good to know.
He decides to try it, leaning the side of his body against the other side of Ren so she'll be in the middle of the pile. Fingers crossed that won't make it worse.]
We already covered that it's the fae's fault you're here. And the spirits will know it wasn't your doing and it's not your fault that you can't accomplish the same things as home here... remember? I think as far as that's concerned, the spirits should blame the fae, not you.
But also... Ren, I'm not scared of you either. You know that right?
[He's not romantically attracted to her, not now. But he's not afraid of her. Obviously, he's practically piled on top of her at the moment.]
There's loads of people here who ain't scared of us, but Lexa's special, ain't she? 'Cos she don't take no shit? [Rowan guesses, watching Ren carefully. Someone that isn't a Garou but acts like one around her. Rowan's as unragey as it gets for a galliard, but they've seen how people act around Ami and they can at least take a guess about how that feels for a teenager so desperate for approval as Ren is.]
Look, Ren, I don't know much about being a Fionn, so you know I can't say nothing about that, but I do know about heroes, right? And you're right, resisting what you want's a piece of it. But you know what else is? Being true to who you are. Standing up for what's right. Even if that means going against what you've been told. 'Cos those are the heroes what stand out, and that's because they made a difference in the world.
And you know what else? You can want something, and you can need something. And everyone needs to be loved. Even if it's just a fleeting thing. What inspires us to do great deeds more than love? And I think we need it even more in this place where we don't got our family or packs.
[Behind Ren's back, their hand reaches out to find Max's, briefly brushing over it. They don't linger; they need to focus on Ren, but they can't hold back from acknowledging their own love.]
[And this is where Ren struggles because at her heart she fears this is some stupid infatuation - the type that the Fianna are known for falling into with the first pretty face that crosses them. But deeper, the thought that it might not be scares her more.]
Nobody ever asked me to stay before. [While Lexa might not have known it, that gesture had been confusing to Ren on so many levels.] It's...everything's always 'cos it's the right thing to do and it's the way things have always been done. But even when I was sneakin' about before me change...nobody asked me to stay then either. I'm not...people don't...who wants a shag with a bad temper to stick about?
She's special. Not 'cos she's a fuckin' warleader or 'cos she can probably kick my arse. She actually wanted us to stay. She wanted my attention. She doesn't treat me like I'm stupid. She keeps saying I can do better and I want to. And it was nice and new and now I've fucked it all up 'cos I didn't believe that anyone ever wants us to stay around.
A full moon is a delight to be viewed from a distance. [Ren was referencing her auspice.]
[Max closes his hand on Rowan's just for a second, his smile turning fond. It fills his heart up to hear Rowan speak of love and know that he's part of that.]
Ren, what you just said, you need to say to her. That's what she needs to hear from you. But, only if you really mean it this time, that you will stay. You have to stop acting like it's wrong. Because it's not. And it's hurtful to her to act otherwise.
[And now it's his turn to reach for Rowan.]
Trust her when she says she wants you for you. And when she shows her vulnerable side to you, cherish it for what it is. Cherish her.
[Rowan nods firmly, squeezing Max's hand back, but then bringing their hands to the ground so just their fingertips are touching. Maintaining contact, but hopefully in a way that won't be too distracting for Ren.]
You really do. And, Ren. Whether it works or not with Lexa, you need to remember this going forward. For next time it happens. Because you will find someone who believes in you and wants you to stay. It might not be Lexa, it might be someone else. But there are people out there for you, Lexa's just the first. Your Da found someone, right?
Your Da's special 'cos he's your Da. But that don't mean that you ain't neither. Ain't you his daughter? [Okay, normally they'd say that Ren doesn't need the self-esteem boost, but just this once, they'll give it to her. Because in this aspect she does need it, and if it meets giving the rest a boost too... they'll take it.]
Yeah, she's reached the peak of her emotional capability levels right now. And Max might get a shock as Ren shifts and a bare blink later there's a huge wolf sat in her place instead. A wolf with the same brown eyes that Ren has and a pure black glossy coat of fur, bar one band of grey on the left foreleg where she has her tattoo on her arm. One minute homid, the next lupus.
And she clambers and flumps onto Rowan with a renewed grumbling whine.] Fine.
[Max sits bolt-upright with a small yelp. His eyes blink in rapid surprise because... that sure is a wolf sitting next to him now. Yeah, he's still getting used to that.]
So. [He makes a popping sound with his lips.] Guess that means we're done talking then...
[Still with some small amount of trepidation, he reaches a hand out to cautiously stroke Ren's fir. It's black and glossy and... it suits here really.]
[Rowan doesn't seem at all perturbed by the sudden change. They chuckle as she shifts to flop over them, completely used to this, even if she's a different size and colour to most of their pack. They don't shift for Max's sake, though, and because it means they can reach out to scratch behind her ears for her.]
I reckon so. Too much for one day? [They direct the question at Ren, watching her as they stroke her fur, much less cautiously than Max is.]
[Hey, Ren was told that Max knew. The sooner he gets used to this Garou nonsense, the better, really. Especially around the ones who enjoy being in lupus.
And she lifts her head, leaning hard into scratches and letting her ears flick down. Yes, good. More scratches. She isn't a dog. But there's no pretending that it doesn't feel good in a way that just doesn't translate in a homid body.
But she does give a definitive nod. Yes. Too much for one day. Pats now.]
[Since Rowan is doing it, and Ren seems pretty content with the scratching, Max's hand becomes a little more confident. He takes up scratching behind Ren's other ear.
He looks to Rowan.]
So, did you want to, I don't know, join her? I mean, seems like a pack bonding thing, right? I can go...
Yeah, but if I change too, and you bugger off, who's going to do the stroking? [Rowan chuckles, glancing at Max and hoping he comes closer so they can lean on him.]
[And, to prove a point that human hands are very necessary, right now, Ren will turn her head to trap Max's hand under her chin. Her paw comes up to keep the arm in place.
But she does address Rowan;] I don't know how I keep forgetting people don't understand us in Lupus. [It just felt too natural to chitter and grumble in Garou.]
[Rowan leans into Max easily, resting against his side and shifting to tuck their legs up too, quite happy to be trapped in a partial pack cuddle pile.]
Well, I dunno about you, but I don't often hang out in lupus around people what ain't Garou. [Rowan replies to Ren automatically, stroking along her back lazily.]
She says it's weird you can't understand her. [They add, a belated translation for Max.] It is nice, though. Pack cuddles are nice. 'Specially when stuff's been intense.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-11 08:26 pm (UTC)[It was weird, even to Ren that she had called Max first rather than the pack about this stuff. Silent wouldn't have gotten it. But Rowan may have.]
I trust Max not to bullshit me. He tells me when I'm wrong even if I don't want to hear it.
[Ren's expression darkens as Rowan owns up to knowing about the Lexa situation. Max might feel the atmosphere in the room shift from uncomfortable to tense as Ren's rage starts to creep up. How many people had Lexa told about her personal struggles?
She struggles for a reply.]
I didn't want to hurt her. I just...didn't realise things were that different here.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-11 08:38 pm (UTC)Ren, keep in mind other people need to vent too. Just like you did. And this just makes it even better that we're all getting on the same page now. Right?
[It's flattering as hell to hear Ren appreciates his no-nonsense approach. And since she does, he's going to keep the trend going.]
It's going to be okay. Sometimes we hurt people we care about without meaning to, and that's part of life. We have to own up to it when it happens, and make it right. That's what you're going to do.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-11 08:52 pm (UTC)That's what I told her. That things are different back home. I know you didn't mean to hurt her, and I think I got that across. [She was pretty drunk at the time.]
Look, this is weird when I'm just down the corridor. Can I come over? It's nicer to talk in person.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-12 01:16 pm (UTC)Yeah. You can.
The place is a shit-tip though.
[Ren has been too busy having a Turmoil to tidy up and it's showing.]
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-14 02:57 am (UTC)[Max is relieved to feel Ren settle a little, but he still suspects having Rowan here physically might be a big help. If Ren does lose her temper Max doesn't have much hope of stopping her.]
Ren, it'll be fine. Please, Rowan, come.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-14 03:16 am (UTC)[And it really doesn’t take much longer than that, since she’s just down the corridor. They knock on the door for politeness’ sake, before pushing it open and coming in, coming it up again behind them. They flash a fond smile at Max, before focusing on the younger Garou, flopping down on her other side and resting their weight against her in the same way they would if they were in lupus.]
So what’s the biggest problem right now? What’s the one that’s bothering you the most? [Because that’s where they’ll start unpicking this all from. And while they think they know where the root of the issue lies, they want to hear from Ren what she thinks.]
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-14 09:10 am (UTC)She considered the question. What was the part of this that was causing her the most ache?]
I don't...[Her answer is slow as she thinks about how to phrase this.] I don't know how to have what I want and still be a good Fionn. I have to be a good Fionn. I have to be the best. Heroes, the proper ones, resist what they want 'cos it's what they have to do. I should be concentrating on gettin' back home not twisting myself in knots over some lass.
And everyone keeps sayin' that it don't matter what happens here, but my Aunt said the spirits know everythin' we do. The Fianna and the Fair Folk are friends of old, every Fionn gets taught that when we're trained. We made them or they made us or-- I don't know, I'm not a fucking Bard. But...how can we even trust that what happens here won't get home? Just 'cos we can't see them, don't mean the spirits ain't watching.
And then--
I don't even know if that's what's botherin' me, 'cos I don't like what I said to her. That was a shitey thing to say and I don't like that-- She's the only person who isn't afraid of me. Everyone's always afraid of me other than Garou. I just...I just want to not--
[Ren growls in frustration as she struggles to express herself.]
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-14 09:09 pm (UTC)He decides to try it, leaning the side of his body against the other side of Ren so she'll be in the middle of the pile. Fingers crossed that won't make it worse.]
We already covered that it's the fae's fault you're here. And the spirits will know it wasn't your doing and it's not your fault that you can't accomplish the same things as home here... remember? I think as far as that's concerned, the spirits should blame the fae, not you.
But also... Ren, I'm not scared of you either. You know that right?
[He's not romantically attracted to her, not now. But he's not afraid of her. Obviously, he's practically piled on top of her at the moment.]
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-15 02:14 pm (UTC)Look, Ren, I don't know much about being a Fionn, so you know I can't say nothing about that, but I do know about heroes, right? And you're right, resisting what you want's a piece of it. But you know what else is? Being true to who you are. Standing up for what's right. Even if that means going against what you've been told. 'Cos those are the heroes what stand out, and that's because they made a difference in the world.
And you know what else? You can want something, and you can need something. And everyone needs to be loved. Even if it's just a fleeting thing. What inspires us to do great deeds more than love? And I think we need it even more in this place where we don't got our family or packs.
[Behind Ren's back, their hand reaches out to find Max's, briefly brushing over it. They don't linger; they need to focus on Ren, but they can't hold back from acknowledging their own love.]
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-15 04:04 pm (UTC)[And this is where Ren struggles because at her heart she fears this is some stupid infatuation - the type that the Fianna are known for falling into with the first pretty face that crosses them. But deeper, the thought that it might not be scares her more.]
Nobody ever asked me to stay before. [While Lexa might not have known it, that gesture had been confusing to Ren on so many levels.] It's...everything's always 'cos it's the right thing to do and it's the way things have always been done. But even when I was sneakin' about before me change...nobody asked me to stay then either. I'm not...people don't...who wants a shag with a bad temper to stick about?
She's special. Not 'cos she's a fuckin' warleader or 'cos she can probably kick my arse. She actually wanted us to stay. She wanted my attention. She doesn't treat me like I'm stupid. She keeps saying I can do better and I want to. And it was nice and new and now I've fucked it all up 'cos I didn't believe that anyone ever wants us to stay around.
A full moon is a delight to be viewed from a distance. [Ren was referencing her auspice.]
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-17 05:14 am (UTC)Ren, what you just said, you need to say to her. That's what she needs to hear from you. But, only if you really mean it this time, that you will stay. You have to stop acting like it's wrong. Because it's not. And it's hurtful to her to act otherwise.
[And now it's his turn to reach for Rowan.]
Trust her when she says she wants you for you. And when she shows her vulnerable side to you, cherish it for what it is. Cherish her.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-19 06:56 pm (UTC)You really do. And, Ren. Whether it works or not with Lexa, you need to remember this going forward. For next time it happens. Because you will find someone who believes in you and wants you to stay. It might not be Lexa, it might be someone else. But there are people out there for you, Lexa's just the first. Your Da found someone, right?
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-19 07:37 pm (UTC)Aye, but...Da is different. He ain't like normal Ahrouns. He's special. [And how's she supposed to live up to that?]
...I didn't want to hurt anyone. I thought I was doing the right thing.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-19 08:05 pm (UTC)I do think the right thing right now is to be honest with Lexa and yourself about what you want.
And, Like Rowan says, keep in mind that if it doesn't work out this time, then there will be a next time. Always.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-19 08:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-20 09:33 am (UTC)Yeah, she's reached the peak of her emotional capability levels right now. And Max might get a shock as Ren shifts and a bare blink later there's a huge wolf sat in her place instead. A wolf with the same brown eyes that Ren has and a pure black glossy coat of fur, bar one band of grey on the left foreleg where she has her tattoo on her arm. One minute homid, the next lupus.
And she clambers and flumps onto Rowan with a renewed grumbling whine.] Fine.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-20 01:15 pm (UTC)So. [He makes a popping sound with his lips.] Guess that means we're done talking then...
[Still with some small amount of trepidation, he reaches a hand out to cautiously stroke Ren's fir. It's black and glossy and... it suits here really.]
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-20 01:30 pm (UTC)I reckon so. Too much for one day? [They direct the question at Ren, watching her as they stroke her fur, much less cautiously than Max is.]
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-20 01:43 pm (UTC)And she lifts her head, leaning hard into scratches and letting her ears flick down. Yes, good. More scratches. She isn't a dog. But there's no pretending that it doesn't feel good in a way that just doesn't translate in a homid body.
But she does give a definitive nod. Yes. Too much for one day. Pats now.]
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-20 02:17 pm (UTC)He looks to Rowan.]
So, did you want to, I don't know, join her? I mean, seems like a pack bonding thing, right? I can go...
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-20 02:43 pm (UTC)Anyway, you're part of this now.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-22 05:46 am (UTC)[He scoots in now until their shoulders touch. And he keeps petting Ren.]
I am, aren't I? Still getting used to the idea of all of this... but I like it. I'm glad.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-24 02:07 pm (UTC)But she does address Rowan;] I don't know how I keep forgetting people don't understand us in Lupus. [It just felt too natural to chitter and grumble in Garou.]
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-24 02:21 pm (UTC)Well, I dunno about you, but I don't often hang out in lupus around people what ain't Garou. [Rowan replies to Ren automatically, stroking along her back lazily.]
She says it's weird you can't understand her. [They add, a belated translation for Max.] It is nice, though. Pack cuddles are nice. 'Specially when stuff's been intense.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-26 03:39 am (UTC)It's kinda weird that you can understand her, Rowan, when I can't and I'm right here... I wonder if I could use some favor to change that.
[He leans in a little harder.]
You know what? This is nice, actually. I wouldn't mind doing this after a stressful day.