Of course he was worried and she has no idea how to reassure him. Part of her still wants to dance around it, to try to backpedal. She knows if she makes herself into the victim he will believe her, but she's not sure that would make her feel better long term. Yet, if he realizes how easily she accepted the terms in the end...what would he think of her if he knew she had planned and plotted this without remorse...The only thing she feels badly about is that the knowledge will hurt him.
"Our bargaining was not as successful as I had hoped. I did manage to get one of the prices down to something reasonable and beneficial to me, but the other, the one for you,...she wouldn't budge on it and I wasn't going to make you pay it."
"What?" He pulls himself closer to her without letting go of her hands. Suddenly, his heart is pounding in his throat, pulse loud in his ears. His price? His? Caused this?
She's worried they are still talking past each other, or maybe he just can't begin to imagine that she would seek out violence on her own.
"No, Max. This was the Dirtman, not Claunthe."
What Elsie said still ate at her, and as much as she doesn't want it to be true, maybe she hadn't bargained against her own biases enough.
"Claunthe...she demanded blood in exchange for your safe passage, and I...Max. I don't know what Claunthe would have done if I refused to pay her price...You have to understand that I only chose him because I knew he also wanted to protect you."
Max pauses in place, going as still as he can when he's trembling. The rest of that sinks in slowly, or is it that Max doesn't want the understanding to come?
"No. It was several weeks ago, but he didn't want you to know because it would hurt you, and I didn't want to tell because I was afraid you would hate me."
Part of her wishes she had died in that dirt pit so maybe she could have planned this out better, but the endless gnawing of Elsie's words were simply aggravated by the whole ordeal with the Dirtman.
He lets himself crumple to the ground, landing on his knees first and then falling backward on his ass. This is so much to take in. He's not sure how he feels about it yet besides being numbly surprised.
"So you... killed him and then... you both talked after?"
Anger is starting to filter in past the shock, but it's not at Valdis alone. Erik said not to tell him. Erik did.
"He doesn't... get to decide for me anymore. Valdis I... I could never hate you but ... I'm upset. I said I didn't want people to get hurt for me. I don't want people choosing for me, either. I'm not that weak anymore. I don't need to be protected no matter what."
She senses his anger, and while she understands it, his insistence that no one get hurt on his behalf brings out some of her own.
"Were you going to go out yourself and choose someone to kill in order to pay Claunthe's price?"
Perhaps it's unfair for her to say it, but it's the truth.
"I tried to haggle with her, but I revealed my hand the moment I offered to pay for you, and I knew you wouldn't want me to cover my hands in innocent blood on your behalf."
"No! I'd rather die myself than kill someone else ever again!" he bursts out, tears springing into his eyes.
"And he was innocent! Erik hasn't done anything to me! I've seen him around the town. We've been talking a little. He hasn't done anything. He didn't deserve to die for me."
She had given away her best hand and Claunthe had called her on it, but that was all in the past now, the debt was paid and done with, whether Max liked it or not.
"Clearly you have forgotten how he tormented you for all those years, to the point your self-esteem was shattered. He treated you like property, used you, branded you and I'm sure he's done far worse that he hasn't even admitted to you or himself. There is absolutely nothing about him that makes him innocent. Ylva and I have spent so much time and energy helping you recover from what what he did to you. We love you in a way he never could and he knows it. Him trying to become a better person doesn't erase everything he did and I don't understand why you don't realize that."
"How is you deciding for me any different than him doing it?!" The words fly from his lips before he can stop them, and he quickly claps a hand over his mouth in shame.
But he is still listening to the rest. The shame in him grows worse. He knows they had to work so hard to get him to see. He knows. He still has more to do but...
"I haven't forgotten. I'm not saying it erases anything. But I have forgiven him, Valdis. I forgive him. Especially when I know he meant it when he said he'd die to protect me. I already had to watch him do it once... I can't...I don't... I don't want to spend the rest of my life being angry at him. I don't want to live like that. You don't have to like him or forgive him but... this is my choice. It's my life."
"Before you even took Claunthe's offer I had told her I would pay so you wouldn't have to. I did it because I love you and I couldn't bear to have you be in debt to a demon. I didn't abuse you, or train you, or belittle you to elevate myself. I have never harmed you like he has and I have done my best to give you every single freedom he denied you and more."
And yet, here he is, acting like he would have done something differently.
"I don't like him and I don't forgive him, and you're going to have to live with that, but let me ask you this: If our positions were reversed, would you be able to forgive?"
Max reaches out to her, to take her hands. "I know you love me. I feel safe with you because I know you'd never ever do those things to me. But I wish you would have asked me first; I would have told you I didn't want you to do that for me. I love you so much and it kills me to feel like I'm a burden." Will there ever be a time when he doesn't feel like he's forcing everyone around him to protect him? Will he have to get better at killing before that happens?
All other thoughts screech to a halt when she turns the scenario around and asks him like that. He stops and really thinks. If someone did those things to her, he would be furious! He'd probably be capable of killing them, too.
"If you said you forgave them and wanted to try to reconcile with them, I'd... be really scared for you. I'd be so scared of you getting hurt again and I'd... do anything to make sure that didn't happen." Which is what she's been doing all along. "I'd... try to. I don't know if could."
His hands squeeze hers tighter. "You don't have to forgive him. I can live with that. Can you live with knowing I do?"
Much as she wants to cut in, to argue with him, she allows him to finish, and tries to listen to what he feels as much as what he says. In the end, it feels like he understands, and no matter how much she wants to hold onto her anger, she can't. She doesn't pull away from his touch this time, simply rests in it.
"Love is a burden Max. It's supposed to be. People who love each other have to weigh their decisions and balance their own wants and needs with the wants and needs of their significant other. It's not always rainbows and unicorns, sometimes it's dirty and painful and hard. Sometimes we won't agree with each other."
She sighs, mostly deflated now.
"I have been living with it, if it weren't for Claunthe I never would have touched him without provocation. It just...it was easy to choose him. I knew he wouldn't retaliate for fear of harming you and I didn't want paying this debt to fall back on us in such a way. It still almost did."
He wants to balk at the idea of love being a burden. He doesn't want to think of their love as one, even in moments like this. But he can't argue against the logic she brings to it.
"I know it won't always be pretty. I do know that. I just... don't want you to feel like you have to hide things from me." Whether to protect him, to spare him, it doesn't matter. They're supposed to be in this together, right?
Max lets a slow breath out through his nose. Erik kept it secret too. Even if he didn't agree ahead of time, they both seemed to think it was the best solution. It... probably was. So, why does it still make his chest ache so much?
"I believe you. I know you and Ylva are both keeping the peace with him for my sake and I... haven't thanked you for that, have I?"
"It's in my nature, Max. I can't help but try to hide, just as you can't undo everything you learned in a short period of time, I can't undo the habits of over a hundred years so easily. I am trying."
"I'm sorry. I don't mean to push you. There's just so much I want to know. I'll be patient." Something in his chest eases. It was silly, he knows, but a scared little part of him really needed to hear that this was a habit she had before him, not because of him.
A slightly damp but cheeky smile blooms on his lips. "You get both anyway."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-16 01:04 am (UTC)Valdis puts the bottle down and reaches for his hands.
"Do you remember when I told Claunthe I would pay your way off that insect ship?"
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-16 01:12 am (UTC)"I... yeah? I do. I've been so worried about that. What happened? Do you need my help to pay? You know I would have already."
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-16 01:18 am (UTC)"Our bargaining was not as successful as I had hoped. I did manage to get one of the prices down to something reasonable and beneficial to me, but the other, the one for you,...she wouldn't budge on it and I wasn't going to make you pay it."
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-17 12:51 am (UTC)"What was the price? What did she do to you?"
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-17 01:08 am (UTC)"No, Max. This was the Dirtman, not Claunthe."
What Elsie said still ate at her, and as much as she doesn't want it to be true, maybe she hadn't bargained against her own biases enough.
"Claunthe...she demanded blood in exchange for your safe passage, and I...Max. I don't know what Claunthe would have done if I refused to pay her price...You have to understand that I only chose him because I knew he also wanted to protect you."
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-17 01:20 am (UTC)Max pauses in place, going as still as he can when he's trembling. The rest of that sinks in slowly, or is it that Max doesn't want the understanding to come?
"...He?"
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-17 01:25 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-17 01:36 am (UTC)"You killed Erik? W-when? Tonight??"
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-17 01:43 am (UTC)Part of her wishes she had died in that dirt pit so maybe she could have planned this out better, but the endless gnawing of Elsie's words were simply aggravated by the whole ordeal with the Dirtman.
"I'm sorry."
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-23 01:56 am (UTC)He lets himself crumple to the ground, landing on his knees first and then falling backward on his ass. This is so much to take in. He's not sure how he feels about it yet besides being numbly surprised.
"Did... you plan this together?"
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-23 02:09 am (UTC)"Claunthe didn't want a sacrifice, Max. If we had discussed it beforehand, it wouldn't have counted."
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-23 02:26 am (UTC)Anger is starting to filter in past the shock, but it's not at Valdis alone. Erik said not to tell him. Erik did.
"He doesn't... get to decide for me anymore. Valdis I... I could never hate you but ... I'm upset. I said I didn't want people to get hurt for me. I don't want people choosing for me, either. I'm not that weak anymore. I don't need to be protected no matter what."
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-23 02:37 am (UTC)She senses his anger, and while she understands it, his insistence that no one get hurt on his behalf brings out some of her own.
"Were you going to go out yourself and choose someone to kill in order to pay Claunthe's price?"
Perhaps it's unfair for her to say it, but it's the truth.
"I tried to haggle with her, but I revealed my hand the moment I offered to pay for you, and I knew you wouldn't want me to cover my hands in innocent blood on your behalf."
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-27 09:19 pm (UTC)"And he was innocent! Erik hasn't done anything to me! I've seen him around the town. We've been talking a little. He hasn't done anything. He didn't deserve to die for me."
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-27 09:35 pm (UTC)"And that's why I killed for you."
She had given away her best hand and Claunthe had called her on it, but that was all in the past now, the debt was paid and done with, whether Max liked it or not.
"Clearly you have forgotten how he tormented you for all those years, to the point your self-esteem was shattered. He treated you like property, used you, branded you and I'm sure he's done far worse that he hasn't even admitted to you or himself. There is absolutely nothing about him that makes him innocent. Ylva and I have spent so much time and energy helping you recover from what what he did to you. We love you in a way he never could and he knows it. Him trying to become a better person doesn't erase everything he did and I don't understand why you don't realize that."
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-27 09:51 pm (UTC)But he is still listening to the rest. The shame in him grows worse. He knows they had to work so hard to get him to see. He knows. He still has more to do but...
"I haven't forgotten. I'm not saying it erases anything. But I have forgiven him, Valdis. I forgive him. Especially when I know he meant it when he said he'd die to protect me. I already had to watch him do it once... I can't...I don't... I don't want to spend the rest of my life being angry at him. I don't want to live like that. You don't have to like him or forgive him but... this is my choice. It's my life."
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-27 10:24 pm (UTC)And yet, here he is, acting like he would have done something differently.
"I don't like him and I don't forgive him, and you're going to have to live with that, but let me ask you this: If our positions were reversed, would you be able to forgive?"
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-27 10:51 pm (UTC)All other thoughts screech to a halt when she turns the scenario around and asks him like that. He stops and really thinks. If someone did those things to her, he would be furious! He'd probably be capable of killing them, too.
"If you said you forgave them and wanted to try to reconcile with them, I'd... be really scared for you. I'd be so scared of you getting hurt again and I'd... do anything to make sure that didn't happen." Which is what she's been doing all along. "I'd... try to. I don't know if could."
His hands squeeze hers tighter. "You don't have to forgive him. I can live with that. Can you live with knowing I do?"
(no subject)
Date: 2024-07-28 06:24 pm (UTC)"Love is a burden Max. It's supposed to be. People who love each other have to weigh their decisions and balance their own wants and needs with the wants and needs of their significant other. It's not always rainbows and unicorns, sometimes it's dirty and painful and hard. Sometimes we won't agree with each other."
She sighs, mostly deflated now.
"I have been living with it, if it weren't for Claunthe I never would have touched him without provocation. It just...it was easy to choose him. I knew he wouldn't retaliate for fear of harming you and I didn't want paying this debt to fall back on us in such a way. It still almost did."
(no subject)
Date: 2024-08-02 01:20 am (UTC)"I know it won't always be pretty. I do know that. I just... don't want you to feel like you have to hide things from me." Whether to protect him, to spare him, it doesn't matter. They're supposed to be in this together, right?
Max lets a slow breath out through his nose. Erik kept it secret too. Even if he didn't agree ahead of time, they both seemed to think it was the best solution. It... probably was. So, why does it still make his chest ache so much?
"I believe you. I know you and Ylva are both keeping the peace with him for my sake and I... haven't thanked you for that, have I?"
(no subject)
Date: 2024-08-02 01:35 am (UTC)Valdis squeezes his hands.
"I don't need your thanks, just your love."
(no subject)
Date: 2024-08-09 02:19 am (UTC)A slightly damp but cheeky smile blooms on his lips. "You get both anyway."